Head explosion! Demons to blame?

Dr. Insa Ne's head exploding

Ms Demena yesterday hit out at the Daily Heil*, a widely read English “newspaper” over its promotion of what she called “lunatic ideas” after the “newspaper” reported that Father Jeremy Davies, exorcist for Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’Connor, the leader of Catholics in England and Wales, says that activities such as yoga, massage therapy, reiki or even reading horoscopes could put people at risk from evil spirits. According to the paper, widely known for its support of fascism in the 1930’s**, the unmarried, celibate, priest, (who insists on being called Father although he isn’t supposed to have children,) also argues in his new book that people with promiscuous lifestyles could find themselves afflicted by demons and he says that the occult is closely linked to the scourges of ‘drugs, demonic music and pornography’ which are ‘destroying millions of young people in our time’.

“This is nonsense,” the sykotic psychic raved, “everybody knows that no harm ever came from an overdose of raki and anyway, my over 80’s naked tantric sex and yoghurt sessions on the Sandy Beach every Friday at 2pm have very little to do with drugs, demonic music or pornography. (But if you’ve got some, I might know someone who might be interested.)”

“Anyway, what’s wrong with believing that massaging your feet with expensive oil or dancing naked around an olive tree in an anti clockwise direction while singing ‘OOOM’ after having paid me 356 Euros to tell you how to do it is going to bring you spiritual enlightenment? Mr Davies is just upset that I’m making more money out of it than he is.”

Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level guru and part time olive picker, wasn’t available for comment.

Later that day after it became clear that the priest’s warnings might have contained some measure of truth when “Dr.” Insa Ne’s head appeared to explode. It is believed that she had spent too much time stimulating her chakras.



*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1021712/Yoga-horoscopes-lead-possession-Devil-claims-Cardinal.html

**http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daily_Mail

Dirty Protest!

Paleochora was shaken to its foundations yesterday by an unprecedented event. For the first time in living memory Ms Teake, Ms Demena and ‘Dr’ Insa Ne, shown above, joined together in a common cause without anyone making reference to the infamous “Flying Goat Buttock” affair of 1998.

The reason for the fearsome combinations was a “dirty protest” over the lack of sun umbrellas on the nude bathing end of Paleochora’s famous Sandy Beach.

Speaking for the protesters as they made their naked journey along the promenade from the Pebble Beach to the jetty, through the village and along the sandy beach, Mentor Lee Hill, Seventh Level Guru and part time olive picker, told the startled crowd of on lookers - Sid and Doris Bonkers from Oldham - or was it Neasden, that the protest was intended to illustrate the dangers to the public if the Mayor didn’t immediately install at least 25 large sunshades at the Grameno end of the beach.

“Without these umbrellas these fine ladies will be unable to continue to offer their ever popular ‘Nude over 80’s full frontal tantric sex and yoga classes’ every other afternoon starting at 3pm, with the result that many of the over 80 year old tourists visiting Paleochora will be forever deprived of their one bit of excitement in their otherwise dull and miserable lives,” he said before going on to offer discounted rates for the classes to those approaching 60.

Opinion in the village is divided but most people, on being told that the Mayor’s refusal to put up the umbrellas was likely to cause the cancellation of the nude over 80’s full frontal tantric sex and yoga classes, applauded his action, or inaction.

Meantime, ‘Dr’ Insa Ne has confirmed that the 19th Annual “I’m going to take my sarong off and run naked around an olive tree shouting woo woo because my inner child gave me permission to do so Festival” has indeed been cancelled blaming the lack of petrol caused by the tanker strike - thus enabling her to claim a huge amount of money back on her insurance.

What is going on?

Photo of the 18th Festival

Paleochora was stunned yesterday by the news that the 19th Annual “I want to take my sarong off and dance naked around an olive tree shouting ‘WooWoo’ Festival” is possibly going to have to be cancelled because of a total an utter lack of interest displayed in the event by the incoming hordes of English Tourists (Sid and Doris Bonkers of Oldham or was it Neasden?)

According to reliable sources, local practising psykik and new arrival “Dr.” Insa Ne has been forced to alert the owners of the “Doris Stoke Memorial Home and Kareoke Bar - Paleochora Branch” to the unpalatable facts that owing to the high value of the Euro against the Pound and she is stony broke, there is a possibility that the eagerly awaited event, due to be held, according to the ancient calendar of the Goddess Initforthedosh, on the third new moon of Octember, will now have to be postponed.

Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level guru and part time olive picker, was unavailable for comment being too busy putting his inner child to bed. No comment was made either by Ms Teake, the longest serving psykotic sykik in the village, who had just taken delivery of ther own KDNY branded Aura protection Sun Glasses, a snip at 45 Euros a pair, and was preparing to put them on display by the sandy beach.

In the meantime, Ms Demena, who had invited “Dr” Insa Ne to the village in the first place, has confirmed that she is involved in a new project to offer a new course in “Gibberish meditation.”
“I learned how to speak fluent Gibberish and how to combine this with permitting my innermost bean to flower whilst sitting at the feet of the sainted OMYGOSHO- pronounced Basil - in the Himalayan village Harpoona many years ago. You spend an hour or so chanting Gibberish and then you find you become totally relaxed and your mind becomes a complete blank. For a mere 345 Euros I am willing to pass the secret of my success on to anyone who wishes to follow this mystical path,” said Ms Demena last night.

When it was suggested to her that the same effect, speaking Gibberish followed by a state of total relaxation and a blank mind, is usually to be obtained simply by drinking a small bottle or two of Raki, she terminated the interview.

Further details of Ms Demena’s course are available at:

www.http://www.osho.com/Main.cfm?Area=Meditation&Language=English

Thought For The Day...An apology

Thought For The Day ®
With Rev. Elroy Cupboard®


The lawyers and personal doctor of Rev. Elroy Cupboard have today issued an apology to the millions of disciples of The Church of Scientifikological Phrenelogy® about the absence of a Thought For The Day ® in recent, eh, days.

Lawyer Hiemey Fiermie and Dr. Eliott Stoppage issued a joint statement saying "The truth is, since his recent lecture tour and factfinding mission to Columbia and Mexico together with with his highest profile follower, Hollywood Heaththrob Tom Missile, Rev. Cupboard has been incapable of any thinking much at all."

Dr. Stoppage continued; "When he tries to communicate all the poor man can do is talk dribble". When asked if he meant 'drivel' he replied "I know what I mean, Sonny!"

"This is not altogether unusual" He continued " The last time this happened (on his return from a secret missionary visit to US troops in Afghanistan and Northern Pakistan together with nubile blonde heiress socialite follower Athens Travelle-Lodge) he was back to normal in no time at all after a couple of Aura Enemas"

She's here, she's young, she's Insa Ne!

Ms Demena has at last revealed the identity of the mystery helper.

It would appear that the aging Psykotic Psykic has brought in some outside assistance in the shapely form of Ms Insa Ne. (Shown above, third or fourth from the left...or the right.)

Ms Ne, or Doctor Insa Ne as she apparently prefers to be called having obtained her various Doctorates through hours of study and the correct application of her signature on a cheque made out to an American “College”, is a vivacious young lady apparently skilled at many of the more unusual practices of the psykik community.

Commenting on her arrival, Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level guru and part time olive picker, observed that her entrance is likely to improve the standard of manners in the village; “I’m sure all the Greek men will rise up when she walks in the room.”

Though declining to talk to this blog, Dr. Insa Ne is believed to be contemplating offering, at a suitably modest fee, a series of seminars devoted to combining Raki and Yoghurt in daily life, as well as, the by now standard for Paleochora Psykics, Chakra Tune Up and Aura Cleaning sessions.

Whether or not she will be participating in the eagerly awaited “I’m dancing stark naked under the full moon on the Sandy Beach for World Peace and Harmony because my spiritual Guide told me to do so Festival” has yet to be confirmed.

Ms Demena's men (u)

Ms Demena preparing for summer with her new, and as yet unknown, assistant.

Ms Demena yesterday confirmed that her ever popular one person tent on the beach at Azogyres, would this summer be offering her usual range of acupressure, affirmational/attitudinal healing, aromatherapy, chakra balancing, colour therapy, crystal energy balancing, ear candling, influence of past lives/future lives and karmic proclivities on present wellness status, magnet therapy(this modality utilizes natural electrical energy to re-align the body’s electrical system to improve wellness. Any condition can be relieved with magnet use. Often magnets are used to manage allergies, headaches, arthritis, cancer, fibromyalgis, headaches,menstrual disorders, prostate disorders,) mandala, nutritional counseling for energy balancing from chakric or five phase perspectives, personal training, pranic healing, raw foods, reflexology, relaxation, stress reduction, supplements, visualization; but only between 7am and 9am on alternate days of the week.*

“Once the open air kinematagraphick projection facility in the village opens up, that’s me done for the day,” she said. “You don’t expect me to miss my evening experience with Zorbas the Greek just to earn a bob or two do you? Anyway that poor lad needs me to massage his aura and keep his pranic energies flowing through all seven of his five chakras and I can tell you that’s a job and a half on its own!”

*Mal Akker would like to point out that Ms Demena's own patented "magnetic healing" system, consisting as it does of wiring her customers up to a 3 phase 415 volt generator, throwing a bucket of warter on them and switching on the generator, has not yet been approved by the Greek Medical Authorities. However, the technique commonly use by the American Govenment on certain persons held in Guantanamo Bay.

Fraud in the Psykik Community!

The damning evdence - Yakkitov/Passthejug is clearly shown second from the left in the third row.

The psykic community in Paleochora was agog yesterday at the startling revelation that Getti Yakittov, the recently arrived expert 5 rhythm dancer and gold medal winner, was not who she, or he, appeared to be.

We have learned that Enoch Root, Gentleman reporter from “Whose Woo – the paper every true psykik just KNOWS they need to read” yesterday revealed exclusively to his readership that the dancer known through out the length and breath of Paleochora as Gerti Yakkitov, is in fact Boris Passthejug, former Red Army Commando and winner of the gold medal for the shot put in the 1990 Olympics.

All Passthejug would say on being presented with photographic evidence of his past was, “It’s a fair cop Guv, I did it for the cash.”

Mentor Lee Hill, Seventh Level Guru and part time olive picker, expressed horror and alarm at the suggestion that anyone would claim to possess psychotic powers in order to obtain money from gullible tourists.

“I knew there was something funny about her aura as soon as I saw her go into the Gents toilet in Agios,” he said, “anyway that will be 50 Euros for the insightful insight and the aura reading, cash only please.”

Ms Demena declined to comment on the grounds that she was too busy communing with her inner child and preparing for the expected influx of tourists, whilst Ms Teake claimed to have known all along that Yakittov was a fraud because her spirit guide R’aki, had told her so.

Yakittov/Passthejug was last heard of in Souda Bay where he/she has apparently got a job as a deckhand on a passing American nuclear submarine.

Thought For The Day 1

Thought For The Day ®
With Rev. Elroy Cupboard®

You know, folks, while I am relaxing on my 20 million acre Wyoming ranch, I often like to go through my mail (that's 'post' for all you Limies!). Letters, faxes, telexes, e-mails...I get 'em all! Mostly they are folks, just like you, asking me questions about The Church of Scientifikological Phrenelogy® which I founded way back in 1998. (and clearly still have problems spelling - Mal).

Many of the questions are the same...these I file under 'F.A.Q.' which all of you who are webbynet savvy will know stands for 'Frequently Asked Questions'. I also get irritating letters from Customs and Excise, IRS, Consumer Protection Agencies and various investigative journalists. These I file under ' Frequently Asked Questions - Official' or 'F.A.Q. Off' for short.

One of the most 'frequently asked questions' goes something like this; "Rev. Elroy, Just what do you do when you find your soul has been inhabited by evil green aliens?"

Why, that's easy, Joe! They need to be EXORCISED!

First it is important to put on your Elroywear® Gold Lame leotard® (available square-cut or thong ...I favor thong, myself although some find chafing a problem - $299.99) and put on the 'Elroymedia® Alien Exorcise Work-Out Program DVD ® ' ($749.99). Feel the burn! No Pain No Gain! No Money, No Honey! And before you can say "Bom Shankar!" that l'il green critter will be totally exhausted - leaving you to get on with your life!

Views expessed in this article are not necessarily the views of Mal Akker. All Names and products are trademarks of The Church Of Scientifikological Phrenelogy® and a compulsory fee is payable when these words are said out loud. Photo - Rev. Elroy Cupboard levitating a globe live on stage at a Insurance Sales Conference in Reykjavik

Rumours,rumours and damned lies!

This Photo has been staged by a model *

A rumour currently going round the village concerns Gerti Yakkitov, a donkey and a burka. Unfortunately the laws of slander and libel, and a consideration for the sensibilities of our readers, mean that we are unable to repeat the rumour here. No goats are belived to be involved....this time.

Another local rumour has it that Ms Demeana has finally accepted the fact that she is no longer as young as she used to be and will shortly be bringing in an assistant to help her out with the more difficult aspects of being a psychotic psickci (and home in the evening from the kafenion.)

Speaking on condition of complete anonymity, Ms Teake, the longest serving Paleochora psikick and currently recovering from her telpathetic encounter with the Rakians, confessed that she hadn’t heard the rumour but thought it was a good one anyway and that

“….the sooner the old bat gives it up and leaves the field to us professionals, the better. There’s too many pysckiks in this village chasing too few tourists and if this carries on I might have to get a real job and then where would we all be? Anyway, would you like your chakras buffed up while you’re here Deary? Only 25 Euros to you.”

In the meantime, Mal Akkers is still refusing to reveal just what e-mail correspondence he had with the owners of http://www.auragoggles.com/ although it is believed to be known that a concerned Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level guru and part time olive picker, will shortly be making an announcement voicing his concerns concerning the need for aura protection this summer.

* The model is wearing a burka in order to conceal her identity.

Ms Teake under attack?

A "Group Session" of Reiki drinkers

Ms Teake this evening claimed that she was being spiritually and telepathically attacked by a “bunch of Reiki crazed loons”

She has apparently received notification that on Sunday night(s) at 9:00 p.m. in their local time zone Raki practitioners turn off all non-essential lights, and become the light.

First they telepathically connect with one another using the distant Reiki symbol, thus becoming one united light. Then they send Raki with the pure intention "Peace, Love, Health, Prosperity and Well-being for all beings." At the same time they visualize a world at peace and the earth returning to a healthy state of balance; see the air, streams, rivers and seas being cleansed.
Ms Teake has also been told that for those who wish to participate, this can also be a wonderful way to personally receive a Raki treatment at the same time. They encouraged her simply be open to bathe in the energy as she was sending Reiki out, telling her, telepathically, that "Group sessions" of this nature enhance the strength of Raki's healing power exponentially.

“The voices in my head encouraged me to do it this morning," she said, "they kept asking ... ‘Will you please join us for Raki hour at 9 p.m. Sunday night? That is 9 p.m. in your own time zone and we will create a wave of Reiki energy across the planet.’ They plan to do this every Sunday night for the immediate future, and perhaps beyond. “

“That’s just not on,” said the Paleochora psykik,” no one gets my Raki; Sunday or any other night!”

Visitor expected?

Mentor Lee Hill today announced his plans to bring one of his own mentor's words to the enlightened of Paleochora.

The much feted Rev. Elroy Cupboard, charismatic multi-billionaire head of the International Church of Scientificological Phrenology (motto: One visit and you will need your bumps read) will be regularly contributing his 'Thought For The Day' through this very blogspot in a very complicated merchandise tie-in deal.

"This man is a spiritual genius", gushed Hill yesterday. "He set up the Bank Of Gavdos (Offshore) known simply as B.O.G. Off which is 100% owned by a Cayman Island Trust which shares are controlled by an office on Gibraltar which is acting on behalf of a private equity company in Nassau, Bahamas which may or may not be wholly owned by a gentleman living in either Wagga Wagga or East Grinstead"

Watch this Blog for the first exciting Thought for the Day by Elroy Cupboard

Protective clothing to be needed for the summer?

Protective Clothing to be needed this summer?

Ms Demena yesterday issued a public statement urging all tourists visiting Paleochora this summer to wear her specially designed “Aura Pervy Peeper Protection” clothing. This came following the recent discovery that “Aura Goggles “ were on sale via the interwebnet thingy at a mere 20 Euros plus p&p and that a pair, or several boxes, had apparently been ordered by one of the more insane gurus of Paleochora.

“I get an itchy feeling at the very thought of someone going round looking at people’s auras without their knowledge and so I felt that for a modest 253 Euros per kit, I could offer some protection to visitors and make them feel safe from unwanted aura peepers,” said Ms Demena before going on to attempt to get some free advertising by mentioning her own blogspot at http://www.paleochora-msdemena.blogspot.com/

Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level guru and part time olive picker, denied that he had ordered 46 boxes of Aura Goggles but refused to comment on the rumour that he and Ms Teake were developing their own version in their research facility in “Area Odes.”

In the meantime, Mal Akker, well known man about town and spirit expert, refused repeated requests to publish his correspondence with www.auragoggles.com .

Make mine a Vergina!

Gertie Yakkitov was confused today, stating; "I really don't know why there is so much fuss about a popular brand of Greek beer"

Bill & Hilary In New Vagina Scandal

Some cucumbers yesterday.

Enigmatic Body Performance Artist and 5 rhythm tantrik yoga expert, Gertie Yakittov was briefly detained at the local Police station yesterday. Officers patiently explained to her that the fruit & veg section of Petrakis supermarket was probably not the best place to preview her up and coming event 'The One-woman Flat Mother Earth Vagina Monologue and Demonstration'

The English tourists, Bill & Hilary Bonkers from Barking, who were also involved in the incident were released without charge. They commented today; "Bill was just saying how wonderful the melons looked when she (Yakittov) started taking an interest in his plums (which we were going to take to the beach). "

Bill continued " Before you could say 'Save The Yangtze Dolphins!' she was up on the counter giving us a sneak preview. I mean... they were just taking in a delivery of cucumbers...there could have been a very nasty accident."

Local police said this morning in a press release that they were aware of Yakittov's forthcoming Vagina Event and specially trained officers would be "looking into it". Also everything taken down in Petrakis supermarket yesterday could be used in evidence.

Following the local police press comments, a high level police spokesman from Hania confirmed that "our policy that the old ones are the best remains unchanged"

Mentor Lee Hill claims to be able to do it with a goat!

Following the much reported failure of the attempt by an Indian tantrik magician to kill a man live (no pun intended) on television

– see http://www.rationalistinternational.net/article/2008/20080310/en_1.html -

Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level guru and part time olive picker, announced to an astounded audience gathered for the Independence Day celebrations by the Paleochora Town hall that he had personally put a spell on a goat in Koundura and expected it to fall over dead in time for his annual vegetarian barbecue on 25 April.

There is expected to be a rush of panic buying of frozen goat at the Petrakis freezer counter as worried followers of the guru, Sid and Doris Bonkers of Oldham, or was it Neasden, were seen queuing up waiting for the shop to reopen on Weds 26 March.

Asked to comment on Mentor Lee Hill’s claims, Ms Demena, local sykik and part time abattoir attendee, fell over laughing; but this is thought to have been a side effect of her recently completed Raki Therapy

At the time of writing, the goat is said to be totally unconcerned.

New course to be offered?

Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level guru and part time olive picker, is believed to be poised to announce that, with effect from 1 May or the commencement of charter flights to the island, whichever is the sooner, hew will be offering courses in his world famous “Ripmoffannna” meditation to overstressed tourists arriving in Paleochora.

“If I had to endure a 50 minute ride in a comfortable air conditioned bus through beautiful scenery to get here I would be so stressed I’d be prepared to spend 50 Euros for 30 minutes of gibberish being spouted at me,” he denied saying last night, “and anyway, everybody knows that worrying about money is the greatest cause of stress these days and all I’m doing is relieving them of their worries by relieving them of their money.”

When pointed out to him that teachers of this technique have to observe at least five precepts, if not eight, so that they can attain purification of sila. The third of the five precepts is abstention from sexual misconduct, whereas the third of the eight precepts is abstention from all kinds of sexual contact. If a teacher does not abstain from sexual contact, his mind will be defiled by the hindrance of sense desire kamacchanda nivarana and that only when the mind is purified from all hindrances can teachers realise mental and physical processes in their true nature, Mentor Lee Hill turned white and quickly left the room.

Gerti Pulls out!

Pole Lancer

Expert 5 rhythm dancer Ms Getti Yakittov today announced that she is pulling out of this weekend’s Five Ring Circus at the ‘Doris Stokes Home for the Terminally Confused But Rich and Gullible’, a break away organisation from the existing Doris Stokes Drop-In Spiritual Realignment Centre and Karaoke Bar (Paleochora Branch).

Speaking after denying she was responsible for the power cut in the village this afternoon, caused, it is believed, by an attempt by a person or persons unknown to remove a large cylindrical wooden object carrying overhead electricity cables, Ms Yakkitov said,

“I just can’t find a Pole for my Tantric Dole Dancing as Therapy and a Path to Spiritual Enlightenment exhibition! All I’ve managed to find so far are 2 Bulgarians who drove off a high speed as I approached them; 4 Albanians; 7 early German tourists and a confused Englishman.”

Ms Yakkitov further stated that no refunds would be made of the 250Euros “donations” that her many fans, Sid and Doris Bonkers of Oldham, or was it Neasden, had made.

This Brothers Got Sole

Mentor Lee Hill's Shoes yesterday.

In an 11th. hour bid to save the planet, Mentor Lee Hill has today announced his radical, EU grant-financed 'shoe-sharing scheme' for Paleochora.

"It's really simple," Said Hill, "I want everyone to find a 'Boot-Buddy', this could be a family member, a loved one or just a work colleague. Then you put all of your shoes and boots in the special depositories scattered around the village keeping only one pair between you. Then, one Boot-Buddy wears them from 9am until 3pm and the other from 3pm until 9pm. "

Hill went on "This will significantly reduce everyone's footprints, thus offsetting global warming or impending ice ages"

Reports that Hill has secured a pitch on the Hania Saturday Clothes Market are hitherto just rumour and hearsay.

Mal Akker - an apology

(The photo above, taken in circumstances which have yet to be explained, is believed to show Mr Akker's aura.)

The originator of the scurrilous rumor concerning the strength of Mal Akker's aura, Ms Demena, has publicly apologised for starting the slanderous tale. Mr Akker has indicated that he is happy to accept her apology and considers discussion on the size of his aura to be finished.

Breakthrough!

After years of painstaking and costly research, funded by the “donations” made to him by his many admirers, Sid and Doris Bonkers of Oldham or was it Neasden, Mentor Lee Hill has announced a breakthrough in the search for an edible multipurpose vegetable.

Speaking earlier this week in then front of Odas Kafenion where he had stopped for his morning Raki Therapy administered by Ms Teake, Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level guru and part time olive picker, announced to a stunned audience that he had successfully bred a vegetable that he was proposing to call a “tomato.”

Pointing out that the existing red thing of the same name is, in fact, a fruit; he stated that henceforth, by purchasing his new vegetable, vegetarians could be sure that they were eating vegetables rather than fruit. The new vegetable, said to be full of pranic energy, is apparently guaranteed to improve the shade of one’s aura, liberate cosmic energy within the Kirilian field of the consumer and taste rather good with a bit of salt, olive oil and bread. He went on to denounce the sale of beefsteak tomatoes, telling a bemused crowd that they were really part fruit, part goat, hybrids and consumption of them would result in a diminished aura, reduced psychic energy field and quite possibly flatulence.

He hinted that then new “tomatoes” would shortly be on sale at the reasonable price of a mere 257 Euros per kilo.

It was pointed out to him that Paleochora is surrounded by greenhouses full of tomatoes but he insisted that they were full of fruit and that he was going to be selling a type of vegetable. He then wandered off to the local vegetarian restaurant for a beef stiffado.

In a later and, allegedly, unconnected incident, Mentor Lee Hill was briefly arrested while rummaging through a ditch in Kondura apparently picking up some sort of bright red ‘fruit’ that had fallen off the back of an overfull pick up truck en route from a tomato greenhouse to a tomato packing station. Speaking on behalf of the seventh level guru and part time olive picker, who was too distressed to comment, Ms Teake said that he had merely been there to ‘tidy up the countryside’ and that he was most certainly not responsible for the newly dug ditch across the road which caused the truck to shed part of its load. She further added that anyone suggesting otherwise would feel the full force of her psykik vengeance and most possibly a brick in a back alley one dark night.

(This article has been produced entirely without the knowledge of, or any assistance from: http://www.tomatoesareevil.com/.
In fact these people are totally wrong, tomatoes are nice cuddly things, and you should not, under any circumstances whatsoever, visit their website.)

It's War!

Ms Teake heads for home

The psychotic fraternity in Paleochora is gearing itself up for another huge row, possibly on the scale of that which occurred between Ms Demeana and Ms Teake on the formers arrival in the village last year and which resulted in the infamous “flying goat buttock” incident.*

This time the source of the tension is the arrival in town of Gertie Yakittov. Whilst Ms Yakittov is not yet know to be a psychical psychotic on the same lines as two or more better known of the town’s woo woo practitioners, there is clearly some overlap in the services she is proposing to offer.

Commenting on Ms Yakittov’s proposed intention to “settle in Paleochora for the foreseeable summer, selling paintings of her breasts and buttocks to tourists and organising a regular “Outdoor Nude Tantrick Yoga Class For The Over 70's" on the beach,” Ms Demeana pointed out that,

“Anyone can get their kit off in the summer but it takes a real man, like Ms Teake, to do it in the winter snows.”

In the meantime Ms Teake, recovering from a recent wallet by pass in the Sunrise Bar, queried, somewhat impolitely, whether Ms Yakittov intended to carry out her Naked Tantrick Yoga classes on the sandy beach or the pebble beach; pointing out that the temperature of the sand, and pebbles, can reach over 45 degrees Celsius.

Ms Teake went home having first rescued a stray dog.

Local pharmacies are said to be stocking up with extra bottles of spray on factor 85 Ayurvedic sun screen in anticipation of a hot summer.




* The threat of a reoccurrence of this event is still used by local mothers to keep their children quiet. The goat in question still refuses to answer any questions.

Yakittov steppes in.

Former Russian gold medallist, spiritual healer, Lap dancer (her father was from Lapland) and expert 5 rhythm dancer Gertie Yakittov has decided to settle in Paleochora for the "foreseeable summer".

Gertie hopes to make a living selling paintings of her breasts and buttocks to tourists and to organise a regular "Outdoor Nude Tantrick Yoga Class For The Over 70's" on the beach. Yakittov said yesterday "It's an idea I had before but it didn't really take off in Siberia last Autumn. In fact nothing was taken off at all"

Each class costs 47 euros but a discount is given for anyone bringing their parents with them.

It remains to be seen how Ms Teake and Ms Demena , Paleochora Woo Woo stalwarts, will view the arrival of new competition.

Come Dancing

The Doris Stokes Drop-In Spiritual Realignment Centre and Karaoke Bar (Paleochora Branch) will be the first venue of the BBC's latest blockbuster TV show, "Pro-Celebrity Strictly 5 Rhythm Dancing" hosted by Russian 5 rhythm expert and gold medallist, Gertie Yakittov (pictured).

Mentor Lee Hill, who has been instrumental in bringing the event to Paleochora said "I have always favoured the rhythm method, especially with Yakittov"

Tickets are reasonably priced at 75 Euros. Please make sure you do not eat before coming as we do not want to mop up lots of sick.

Mentor Lee Hill fails to pull it off!

Seventh level Guru and part time olive picker Mentor Lee Hill, left Paleochora totally unmoved yesterday when his unannounced attempt at breaking the world Yoghurt Flying record not only went unnoticed, but totally failed to achieve it’s objective.

Whilst the vast majority of the population went off to Grameno Beach to enjoy the "Clean Monday" kite flying and the music, Hill aided by his dedicated follower, Ms Teake, made the attempt on the record - currently standing at 0.00001cm for .00000057 seconds and held by the Maharishi Yogi Barefacedconartist - behind the back of the Petrakis Supermarket car park. A capacity crowd, believed to be Sid and Doris Bonkers from Oldham, or possibly Neasdon, watched in stunned amazement as absolutely nothing happened for an hour. Hill then gave up and went back into the village looking for an open kafenion and seeking solace with his favourite spirit, having first passed the hat round for donations.

Denying that the attempt was simply a way to drum up support for the forthcoming Knit Your Own Yoghurt Seminar this week end at the Doris Stokes Drop-In Spiritual Realignment Centre and Karaoke Bar (Paleochora Branch), all Hill would say was, “It’s now Lent,” but when pressed further wouldn’t say to whom or for how long.

Ms Teake was more forthcoming, blaming the failure of the attempt on the refusal of the Libyan authorities to allow Mentor Lee Hill to pass through their airspace and threatening to shoot him down if he got within 300Km of their coastline.

In a separate development, it would appear that the rumours of a source of Ayurvedic Oil being struck under Paleochora during the recent redevelopment of one of the towns many kafenions, have proved to be false. Those who bought shares in the proposed mine (prop. Mentor Lee Hill) are unlikely to get any money back. Hill was unavailable for comment last night due to being en route for Libya on a commercial airline, travelling first class.

*!@^ becomes Akkers Again!

When informed by his bank in Grand Cayman that pending cheques made out to Dr. Mal Akkers would not be cashed into his account with the new name of *!@^, *!@^ had second thoughts and his brain chose to overrule the rest of his organs and revert back to Dr. Mal Akkers again.

Mentor Lee Hill, fighting back tears, commented; " I am so pleased...overwhelmed...getting my old friend and colleague back when I thought I had lost him...its wonderful"

Akkers stripped bare!

Dr. Mal Akkers, formally know as Guru to the stars, Mystik, Qualified Transcendental Methodist, Spirit guide channeler, Expert on Tantric Skydiving techniques and 5th. level Priest of The Temple of Syrinx has returned from an absence and henceforth wishes only to be known as *!@^ .

Last night Akkers, sorry *!@^ said this; "I have searched by inner being and my heart tells me that this will be a positive step - to strip myself down to basics. All of my other major bodily organs are in agreement although my mother is distaught." I feel it will help me adopt more of a Zen approach to my studies of Hindooism and Shitto. Besides I just got a quote for my new business cards and not only were they going to be the size of postcards they were going to cost a bloody fortune".

Ms. Demena, when informed of this headline during a late night session with the spirit world, was said to have become agitated and excited at the prospect of Akkers stepping out of his trademark favourite pair of purple Y-fronts.

Mentor Lee Hill silent on rumours!

Mentor Lee Hill, Seventh Level Guru and part time olive picker, this morning refused to comment on the rumour, believed to have been started by himself, that he was the model for the "Paleochora School For Virgins" float in last nights carnival parade.

When asked about it, he was heard to mutter something to the effect that he didn't just keep goats for fun.

Local psychick Ms Demena was observed later wandering through the village in a daze; but this was nothing unusual given the absence of tourists.

Outrage!

Ms Demena caught in the act!

The town was rocked to its foundations on Friday night when Ms Demena was heard to offer to buy a small glass of raki for Ms Teake.

It took the local police , backed up by the Port Police and passing members of the Cretan Theosophist Naturist Society (Vegetarian Wing) who had been let out of their mountain retreat for the night, at least 2 minutes to restore what passes for order, in a local bar known for the sanctity of its owners.

No arrests were reported but three people who had heard the offer made were later treated in Kandanos Health Centre for shock

Clean Monday - Will he pull it off?

Ayurvedic Oil 100 Euros per litre

Olive Oil 5 Euros per litre

Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level guru and part time olive picker, has hinted at plans for what he called an “uplifting spectacular” to take place at Grameno Beach this forthcoming Clean Monday.

Speaking on terms of strictest confidentiality, all he would say is that if everything came off as planned he would be the first to be surprised and amazed.

Speculation is rife that the surprise has some connection with the illegal drilling for Ayurvedic Oil that has allegedly been taking place within Paleochora, allegedly disguised as an alleged renovation to a well known eating place within the village.

The drilling rumour was sparked when the price of Ayurvedic massage oil went through the roof, reaching 100 Euros a litre on the spot market.

Commenting on the need to keep your pitta intake in balance, local psychotic Ms Demena, lately returned from her mysterious self imposed exile to Outer Mongolia, or Clacton, was heard to mutter that:

“I wasn't aware that there was a market for spots in Paleochora, I'll have to look into that. Anyway, in the Ayurvedic system, pita is said to be composed of fire and water; it governs all heat, metabolism and transformation in the mind and body. It controls how we digest food, how we metabolize our sensory perceptions, and how we discriminate between right and wrong. Pitta must be kept in balance, too. Too much can lead to anger, criticism, ulcers, rashes and thinning hair. But remember, Dear, I’ll spout any old cobblers if the dosha is right and mine’s a pita gyros with extra chips please"

Snow joke

Alarm and despondency broke out in Paleochora on Monday when the ‘First International Naturist Beach Volleyball and Boules Competition’ had to be cancelled, allegedly because of inclement weather.

Commenting on the rumour that the real reason for cancellation was the lack of participants prepared to pay the 55 Euro entrance fee, Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level guru and part time olive picker, remarked that he felt that this “…..was typical of the sort of remark, remarked by people always trying to put down those involved in the remarkable attempts to raise the level of psychic awareness in Paleochora and the surrounding area to a remarkable height.”

Speculation had been running high amongst those frequenting the kafenions still open in the village that the competition would end in a bloodbath if the lately returned Ms Demena and the ever fragrant Ms Teake took to the beach on opposite sides, or at least on opposite teams. The betting had opened heavily in favour of Ms Teake but over the last few days more and more money had been placed on Ms Demena to win. Such was the pattern of the last minute betting that it had been suggested in some quarters that the whole thing was a scam on the lines of the recent ‘Guess the Colour of Ms Teak’s Aura’ competition, sponsored and, coincidentally, won by Mentor Lee Hill.

It had been rumoured that one or other of the teams would be using their psychotic abilities to win the match and to demonstrate once and for all that they did in act possess such abilities and that the alleged possession of such abilities was not just a scheme to make money from gullible ex pats.

Ms Demeana was said to be distraught at the cancellation of the match and to have proposed that a collection be taken in the town to provide assistance for a visiting brass monkey of her acquaintance who had apparently lost a number of items very precious to him in the recent cold snap.

Clean Monday - New service on offer?

Bucket of Metaxa and stirrup pump - are these related to the new treatment?

Confusing image of unrelated letters and colours - are these involved as well?

Ms Teake*, the Paleochora based psychik who denies ever having any relationship, platonic or otherwise, with Ms Demena the other Paleochora based psychotic, is expected to announce shortly her plans for a special “Clean Monday” service on offer to those in the area who feel the need to prepare physically, psyckiclly and spiritually for the long Lenten fast ahead of them.

Though not yet willing to share the details of the new treatment on offer because of the alleged propensity for “…other shameless charlatans in Paleochora and the surrounding area to steal all my best ideas and flog them off as their own in a tawdry effort to rip money off from gullible people who believe the sort of nonsense they peddle…” Ms Teake did hint that it would be a unique combination of singing bowl therapy and colonic irrigation.

Speaking late last night, although declining to say to what exact use the stirrup pump would be put, she would go as far as to say that the singing bowl portion of the treatment worked because:

“The bowl holds all master conductor frequencies for sonic reconnective patterning, molecularly energizing the body and enriching life experiences –a conscious sonic walk in Light - whilst the natural harmoniser within it that creates a mother of pearl essence and opalescent finish, and carries an energy of Venus, the goddess of love. Microscopic bubbles added to the quartz produce a porous surface and pastel elegance with a nurturing vibration of water elementals. The beautiful and spherical completeness of pearls represents an ever-present and fullness of Spirit. Helpful in working through emotional issues and giving birth to mature Divine Mother/Gaia energies in a sound stream of comfort… and besides, after the application of the other part of the treatment (believed to involve the use of the stirrup pump) all the waste has to be collected in something.”

When it was pointed out to her that the treatment she was proposing to offer had distinct similarities to that unsuccessfully marketed in August last year by Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level guru and part time olive picker, she pointed out that Mentor Lee Hill’s system used Raki whilst hers would use 1 star Metaxa, 2 kilos of herbal tea per person and a pretty bowl, and that no goats were involved.

The cost of the proposed therapy is believed to be in the order of 35 Euros per session, and potential customers are advised to bring their own towels.



* Pronounced Ms Teak, not Ms Take

Tragedy Strikes

Ms Demena has accident with candle

It has been reported the tragedy struck Ms Demena, the recently returned psykotic physic*, during a power cut in Paleochora yesterday evening.

When the lights failed during a thunderstorm, Ms Demena, who had, that very morning, been out at hard at work counselling and providing her traditional Raki therapy to a passing ex-pat, grabbed a handful of candles to light her room.

Unfortunately it would appear that in her haste to get illuminated, she grabbed and used the last of her supply of Hopi Ear candles.

“I’m distraught!” she whaled**, “Petrakis have run out and there appears to be no more Hopi Ear candles in the whole of Crete!”

Asked why there appeared to be such a shortage of such spiritually necessary items, she blamed the continued and increasing opposition of the Hopi people to having their ears cut off to make candles.

“It’s not as if anyone needs BOTH ears,” Ms Demena stated, ”most people can get by happily with one or even none. These people have no idea what they’re doing to my balance; my bank manager gets so upset darling!”

Asked what happens next to Ms Demena and those gentlemen who have booked with her to receive her “Hot Wax Speciality, Poor and Aura Cleansing, Spiritual Revival Treatment –a snip at 50 Euros – discretion guaranteed”, her manager, part time seventh level guru and olive picker Mentor Lee Hill, declined.

However later he was heard to mutter something to the effect that he didn’t see why she couldn’t use an ordinary candle like every other pyskik he knows and proceeded to tell an off colour story about some nuns.




*or is it psyclical psychotic?

**Ms Demena is apparently taking part in the current Japanese “scientific” cull of whales.

She's back!

(Photograph for illustrative purposes only - posed by a model - I'm still trying to locate a photo of MsDemena. Mal Akker)

She’s back!

The kafenion owners of Paleochora were breathing a sigh of relief last Friday when it became apparent that Ms Demena had returned from her self induced exile, allegedly having been seeking further wisdom and enlightenment in Outer Mongolia (or Clacton - depending on which story one believes.)

Vehemently denying that she’d been deported from Crete after having been arrested for being drunk and incapable whilst in charge of a goat, Ms Demena told local part time olive picker and seventh level guru Mentor Lee Hill, that she’d been off on a spiritual journey to recharge her psykotic batteries.

“Just think of me as a psyical Energiser Bunny darling,” she is quoted as saying,
“If there's doe involved I'm your woman, I’m happy to anything for a buck.”

Ms Demeana has told a number of people that she returned to the island following ‘demands from my people’, but failed to specify whether these demands were for her to come back to Crete or to get out of Outer Mongolia – or even Clacton.

Suggestions that she would be opening a branch of the ‘Doris Stokes Home for the Terminally Confused But Rich and Gullible’, a break away organisation* from the existing Doris Stokes Drop-In Spiritual Realignment Centre and Karaoke Bar (Paleochora Branch), have yet to be confirmed.



*The two organisations allegedly split over who had the right to do what and with which and to whom when it came to the extraction of spiritually lead monetary contributions made by the attendees at the centre. (Alternatively it was a falling out over who paid for the last round in Agios which came to 78 Euros; Ms Demena being adamant that she hadn’t ordered the triple “Crooked Orgasm Between the Sheets Daiquiri Screwdriver with an extra shot of tequila ” and so she wasn’t going to pay for it.)