It's War!

Ms Teake heads for home

The psychotic fraternity in Paleochora is gearing itself up for another huge row, possibly on the scale of that which occurred between Ms Demeana and Ms Teake on the formers arrival in the village last year and which resulted in the infamous “flying goat buttock” incident.*

This time the source of the tension is the arrival in town of Gertie Yakittov. Whilst Ms Yakittov is not yet know to be a psychical psychotic on the same lines as two or more better known of the town’s woo woo practitioners, there is clearly some overlap in the services she is proposing to offer.

Commenting on Ms Yakittov’s proposed intention to “settle in Paleochora for the foreseeable summer, selling paintings of her breasts and buttocks to tourists and organising a regular “Outdoor Nude Tantrick Yoga Class For The Over 70's" on the beach,” Ms Demeana pointed out that,

“Anyone can get their kit off in the summer but it takes a real man, like Ms Teake, to do it in the winter snows.”

In the meantime Ms Teake, recovering from a recent wallet by pass in the Sunrise Bar, queried, somewhat impolitely, whether Ms Yakittov intended to carry out her Naked Tantrick Yoga classes on the sandy beach or the pebble beach; pointing out that the temperature of the sand, and pebbles, can reach over 45 degrees Celsius.

Ms Teake went home having first rescued a stray dog.

Local pharmacies are said to be stocking up with extra bottles of spray on factor 85 Ayurvedic sun screen in anticipation of a hot summer.




* The threat of a reoccurrence of this event is still used by local mothers to keep their children quiet. The goat in question still refuses to answer any questions.

Yakittov steppes in.

Former Russian gold medallist, spiritual healer, Lap dancer (her father was from Lapland) and expert 5 rhythm dancer Gertie Yakittov has decided to settle in Paleochora for the "foreseeable summer".

Gertie hopes to make a living selling paintings of her breasts and buttocks to tourists and to organise a regular "Outdoor Nude Tantrick Yoga Class For The Over 70's" on the beach. Yakittov said yesterday "It's an idea I had before but it didn't really take off in Siberia last Autumn. In fact nothing was taken off at all"

Each class costs 47 euros but a discount is given for anyone bringing their parents with them.

It remains to be seen how Ms Teake and Ms Demena , Paleochora Woo Woo stalwarts, will view the arrival of new competition.

Come Dancing

The Doris Stokes Drop-In Spiritual Realignment Centre and Karaoke Bar (Paleochora Branch) will be the first venue of the BBC's latest blockbuster TV show, "Pro-Celebrity Strictly 5 Rhythm Dancing" hosted by Russian 5 rhythm expert and gold medallist, Gertie Yakittov (pictured).

Mentor Lee Hill, who has been instrumental in bringing the event to Paleochora said "I have always favoured the rhythm method, especially with Yakittov"

Tickets are reasonably priced at 75 Euros. Please make sure you do not eat before coming as we do not want to mop up lots of sick.

Mentor Lee Hill fails to pull it off!

Seventh level Guru and part time olive picker Mentor Lee Hill, left Paleochora totally unmoved yesterday when his unannounced attempt at breaking the world Yoghurt Flying record not only went unnoticed, but totally failed to achieve it’s objective.

Whilst the vast majority of the population went off to Grameno Beach to enjoy the "Clean Monday" kite flying and the music, Hill aided by his dedicated follower, Ms Teake, made the attempt on the record - currently standing at 0.00001cm for .00000057 seconds and held by the Maharishi Yogi Barefacedconartist - behind the back of the Petrakis Supermarket car park. A capacity crowd, believed to be Sid and Doris Bonkers from Oldham, or possibly Neasdon, watched in stunned amazement as absolutely nothing happened for an hour. Hill then gave up and went back into the village looking for an open kafenion and seeking solace with his favourite spirit, having first passed the hat round for donations.

Denying that the attempt was simply a way to drum up support for the forthcoming Knit Your Own Yoghurt Seminar this week end at the Doris Stokes Drop-In Spiritual Realignment Centre and Karaoke Bar (Paleochora Branch), all Hill would say was, “It’s now Lent,” but when pressed further wouldn’t say to whom or for how long.

Ms Teake was more forthcoming, blaming the failure of the attempt on the refusal of the Libyan authorities to allow Mentor Lee Hill to pass through their airspace and threatening to shoot him down if he got within 300Km of their coastline.

In a separate development, it would appear that the rumours of a source of Ayurvedic Oil being struck under Paleochora during the recent redevelopment of one of the towns many kafenions, have proved to be false. Those who bought shares in the proposed mine (prop. Mentor Lee Hill) are unlikely to get any money back. Hill was unavailable for comment last night due to being en route for Libya on a commercial airline, travelling first class.

*!@^ becomes Akkers Again!

When informed by his bank in Grand Cayman that pending cheques made out to Dr. Mal Akkers would not be cashed into his account with the new name of *!@^, *!@^ had second thoughts and his brain chose to overrule the rest of his organs and revert back to Dr. Mal Akkers again.

Mentor Lee Hill, fighting back tears, commented; " I am so pleased...overwhelmed...getting my old friend and colleague back when I thought I had lost him...its wonderful"

Akkers stripped bare!

Dr. Mal Akkers, formally know as Guru to the stars, Mystik, Qualified Transcendental Methodist, Spirit guide channeler, Expert on Tantric Skydiving techniques and 5th. level Priest of The Temple of Syrinx has returned from an absence and henceforth wishes only to be known as *!@^ .

Last night Akkers, sorry *!@^ said this; "I have searched by inner being and my heart tells me that this will be a positive step - to strip myself down to basics. All of my other major bodily organs are in agreement although my mother is distaught." I feel it will help me adopt more of a Zen approach to my studies of Hindooism and Shitto. Besides I just got a quote for my new business cards and not only were they going to be the size of postcards they were going to cost a bloody fortune".

Ms. Demena, when informed of this headline during a late night session with the spirit world, was said to have become agitated and excited at the prospect of Akkers stepping out of his trademark favourite pair of purple Y-fronts.

Mentor Lee Hill silent on rumours!

Mentor Lee Hill, Seventh Level Guru and part time olive picker, this morning refused to comment on the rumour, believed to have been started by himself, that he was the model for the "Paleochora School For Virgins" float in last nights carnival parade.

When asked about it, he was heard to mutter something to the effect that he didn't just keep goats for fun.

Local psychick Ms Demena was observed later wandering through the village in a daze; but this was nothing unusual given the absence of tourists.

Outrage!

Ms Demena caught in the act!

The town was rocked to its foundations on Friday night when Ms Demena was heard to offer to buy a small glass of raki for Ms Teake.

It took the local police , backed up by the Port Police and passing members of the Cretan Theosophist Naturist Society (Vegetarian Wing) who had been let out of their mountain retreat for the night, at least 2 minutes to restore what passes for order, in a local bar known for the sanctity of its owners.

No arrests were reported but three people who had heard the offer made were later treated in Kandanos Health Centre for shock