Ms Demena apologises

A shamed faced Ms Demena

Ms Demena today apologised to the carload of tourists she inadvertently directed to the Thai Cheese Symposium at Sougia, mistaking it for the Tai Chi Symposium currently being held in the Alpha Hotel Azogires.

"It's an easy mistake for anyone to make,"she said earlier today,"but in the end they enjoyed themselves in Sougia and didn't seem to notice the difference in the material on offer in the two symposia."

When it was pointed out to her that one is a load of smelly substances and the other a type of cheese, she shrugged her shoulders, adjusted her burka and wandered off in the direction of Anidri muttering something about having to re tune her sarong before the full moon.

One of the tourists, Ms Doris Bonkers, is threatening to complain to the Greek Tourist Board that Paleochora is over run with people unable to tell there chi's from their cheese.

"I didn't spend £8oo to spend a week looking at cheese when I could be up in Azogires spending a week looking at my navel." she is reported to have said.

Full Moon Event

Ms Taeke and Ms Demena have announced a special 2 day oddyssey (sic) to Lissos to co-incide with the next full moon.

"We intend to take as many fee-paying punters as possible on an amazing spiritual journey which will plumb the depths of their psychosis." Said Ms. Teake.

Ms. Demena added; "We will dance around the temple with our sarongs until midnight when we will drum into existence the sprits of all of the animal kingdom."

Jerry Plonka and his son, Rainbow (pictured), last year's only participants said "We can't wait for this years event. 500 euros well spent!"

The mayors of Paleochora and Sougia have welcomed the event but asked the organisers to tidy up after themselves. A Health & Safety official said yesterday " We are especially concerned about lions, tigers and other large carnivores and would ask the organisers to make sure they drum them back after they have finished"

Participants should bring a sarong, a drum, a woodwind or reed instrument of their choice (no bassoons this year, please!) and sandwiches (fillings of their choice).

On Line Aura Tune Up

( Computer of the type predicted to be required for an Aura Tune Up)

According to the predictions of local Physick Ms Teake, the Divine Master, Adept of the Ninth Circle and part time olive picker, Mentor Lee Hill, will shortly announce the introduction of a new on line Aura Tune Up service.

Speaking to me earlier this morning, MsTeake predicted that Mentor will astonish the world and Paleochora with the new service.

"Peering into my crystal ball, I can see that this service will offer remote tuning and 50,00Km service for tired and run down auras; that it will be a great success and that all one will need is a Gold Credit card and an Internet connection. I predict that you will be able to get your aura recoloured, reshaped and restored in under two hours for under £200," she said before wandering off in the vague direction of Anidri muttering something about the urge to dance in a crop circle wearing only her sarong.

Mentor Lee Hill, when asked about the predicted service, is believed to have replied on the lines of, "It sounds like a total load of old bollocks to me but hey, if it's a service that people are prepared to pay for, I'm prepared to sell it. I can confidentially predict a great future for this new service and my bank account."

Malcolm

Crystal Crisis!

EU officials are pleased that a solution has been found to the growing problem of the disposal of old Crystals. Waste management companies complain frequently that they have to deal with 'mountains' of old New Age Crystals which have ceased to work and are just thrown away in the normal household garbage.

The solution came from The Matotoko Industrial Plastics Co. (Hong Kong) Ltd. who, it turns out, manufacture 99.9% of the world's New Age Crystals.

Chief Executive, Mr. Fkin Fat Dump (left), said yesterday "Focus gloups show that most of our end-rine customers plefer to buy lecycled ploducts, so with EU funding we are setting up depositolies for you to take all of your old clystals. these we will lecycle into new clystals at our huge industlial factorly (Right)".

The first 36 depositories are expected to be in Paleochora.

Unfortunately Mr. Dump went on to say "As lecycled ploducts are tlendy these days, the new clystals will have a higher letail plice than before"

Hangover Healing Drop in Centre

Ms. Demena intends to 'help and inwardly heal' sufferers of hangovers each morning at the crack of 2pm in a popular bar on the main street of Paleochora.

'I will be getting my crystals out and healing everybody with wonderful Raki Therapy' She said.

When asked if she meant Reiki Therapy, she replied 'I know what I mean, Darling!'

Ley Lines - Exciting News!

Mentor Lee Hill has demontrated that Paleochora lies on the same ley line as Glastonbury and Area 51 in America - and that's official!!!

By Drawing the Glastonbury ley lines and then folding a standard Collins world map in the manner prescribed below, you can see it for yourself!
This also has the spooky but interesting side effect of becoming a pretty flapping birdie! More proof if proof is needed!

Dihydrogen Monoxide - warning!

Ms Demena has asked me to point out that one of her spirits was last night overcome by Dihydrogen Monoxide poisioning. She recommends that all spirits be kept away from this stuff and that it's dangers be properly considered before it is consumed.

Further details can be found at:

http://www.dhmo.org/facts.html

Malcolm Akker

Gossip Column

A look around the social scene of Paleochora's WooWoo community:

Ms Demena was spotted in a well known restaurant last night, smoking 'herbal' cigarettes and conversing with the spirits. She had ordered a plate of organic hand-knitted string beans for herself and a plate of fishfingers & ketchup on the side for her inner child.

Meditation for a piece of the world

Sleeping/Meditation bag

http://www.totallyabsurd.com/meditationbag.htm

With Paleochora WooWoo levels approaching an all time high, I am glad to announce that at 14.14 on the 14th June 2002 we will be holding a "Meditation for the piece of the world" lunch and barbecue on the sandy beach just opposite Gavdos (weather and cyclikill guides permitting.)

Participants in this free endeavour will be required to provide their own food, drink and cooking facilities but may, if they wish make a small donation to a good cause (cash only, no cheques or credit cards.)

Those attending will hold hands in a ring and meditate long and hard on their particular piece of the world. To assist, you might wish to visualise your piece of the world as being in a quiet, tranquil place,being set into, rather than upon, the planet, and being rectangular approx. 2 metres long, 2 metres deep and 1.2 metres wide.

It is hoped that Ms Demena or Ms Taeke will be present to massage auras and egos - subject to them having recovered sufficiently from their recent spiritual joust.

On the matter of their recent falling out, a subject discussed here recently, both have asked me to point out that their psycotic battle had nothing whatsoever to do with the earthquake in Japan and to confirm that, with the expected influx of Greek tourists, they have resolved to patch up their quarrel and co-operate in their solemn and self appointed duty of relieving more people of the wearisome and soul destroying burden of "money."

Malcolm

New Contest! Get your auras working!

Ms Demena with her clothes off

The European Parliament in Brussles yesterday confirmed the long awaited decision to hold a new sykickill competition.

This competition will be open to all those who, with or without the assistance of their spirit guides, are not only fortunate in being able to view and determine the state of other's auras and visualise these as the music of the spheres, but are also able to sing this music.

It is intended that the Aura Vision Song Contest will take place annually in Paleochora.

Essence Overload?

Our Latest Offering

Following the recent EU rulling permitting the construction of a Spititual Essence Storage Facility just outside Paleochora, concern has been expressed by some about the effect of such a facility on the already extraordinary levels of WooWoo within the town. In particular there are fears, we hope unfounded, that this concentration of Spiritual Essence may lead to "Aura Flare" and cause potentially serious probnlems to those viewing auras.

Asked about this problem, Ms Demena, a well known and highly respected psychotical guru and chaneller, said,

"Give me 50 Euros Darling, and I'll get one of my spirits guides on to it straight away."

While we are awaiting the response from the spirit plane, we are glad to announce that this Blog will shortly be in a position to offer, for only 350 Euros a pair, the finest hand crafted, machine tooled, Chineese made, Aura Vision Protection Devices.

Yes you can be the proud owner of these high quality goods as shown above. You can now protect your eyes, both inner and outer, and still look good on the beach.

Aura Protection - You Know It Makes Cents.

Book of the Week

This weeks accolade goes to

'Feng Shui for Scuba Divers' by Reg Yulater.

A reader raved; "Absolutey brilliant! Before I read this book my life whilst scuba diving was a complete mess for me - I mean you are literally surrounded by water, just where do you start in organising it to provide a stress free and productive dive. This book has all the answers."

Published by Per Astra Ad Parva Books. Available from all reputable woo woo websites, 86 Euros

Get out, Aura else!

It seems that a woo woo war is about to develop in Paleochora! 'Sykik channeler'(sic) Gina Lotalollipop (left) - whose spirit name is Ms. Taeke - has blasted newly arrived Ms. Demena (see previous post) as a phoney!


Ms. Taeke said "This town is not big enough for 2 Aura reading specialists! I have been specialising in this field for 932 years (when you include all of my past lives) and I will not sit by and watch as some gin-sodden upstart tries to queer my pitch!". She went on; "Ms.Demena should birqa off!"

A compromise was later reached when it was suggested that they have an aura reading stand-off on the sandy beach. They will attempt to sympathetically council several fee-paying volunteers about their aura difficulties. Winner takes all!

Workshop announcement

Mentor Lee Hill will be running a new workshop entitled 'Tantric exploitation (surely 'exploration' - Ed) and De-Tox Fasting Weekend'

On this weekend you will learn the lost art of Tantric Buttock Massage whilst experiencing the detoxifying ecstacy of a total fast for 4 days.

Venue: Fidel Castro International Resort, Miami
Cost: 1000 US Dollars - (FULL BOARD)