Clean Monday - New service on offer?

Bucket of Metaxa and stirrup pump - are these related to the new treatment?





Confusing image of unrelated letters and colours - are these involved as well?




Ms Teake*, the Paleochora based psychik who denies ever having any relationship, platonic or otherwise, with Ms Demena the other Paleochora based psychotic, is expected to announce shortly her plans for a special “Clean Monday” service on offer to those in the area who feel the need to prepare physically, psyckiclly and spiritually for the long Lenten fast ahead of them.

Though not yet willing to share the details of the new treatment on offer because of the alleged propensity for “…other shameless charlatans in Paleochora and the surrounding area to steal all my best ideas and flog them off as their own in a tawdry effort to rip money off from gullible people who believe the sort of nonsense they peddle…” Ms Teake did hint that it would be a unique combination of singing bowl therapy and colonic irrigation.

Speaking late last night, although declining to say to what exact use the stirrup pump would be put, she would go as far as to say that the singing bowl portion of the treatment worked because:

“The bowl holds all master conductor frequencies for sonic reconnective patterning, molecularly energizing the body and enriching life experiences –a conscious sonic walk in Light - whilst the natural harmoniser within it that creates a mother of pearl essence and opalescent finish, and carries an energy of Venus, the goddess of love. Microscopic bubbles added to the quartz produce a porous surface and pastel elegance with a nurturing vibration of water elementals. The beautiful and spherical completeness of pearls represents an ever-present and fullness of Spirit. Helpful in working through emotional issues and giving birth to mature Divine Mother/Gaia energies in a sound stream of comfort… and besides, after the application of the other part of the treatment (believed to involve the use of the stirrup pump) all the waste has to be collected in something.”

When it was pointed out to her that the treatment she was proposing to offer had distinct similarities to that unsuccessfully marketed in August last year by Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level guru and part time olive picker, she pointed out that Mentor Lee Hill’s system used Raki whilst hers would use 1 star Metaxa, 2 kilos of herbal tea per person and a pretty bowl, and that no goats were involved.

The cost of the proposed therapy is believed to be in the order of 35 Euros per session, and potential customers are advised to bring their own towels.



* Pronounced Ms Teak, not Ms Take

5 comments:

Fairly.Disturbed said...

I am quite keen on some chakra realigning and other such delights but am unsure with the multiplicity of therapists that now seem available, which one would suit my individual needs or indeed my multiple personality needs. I am also rather partial to a bit of goat, so perhaps burnt thursday may be better than clean monday if an opening is available for a session, or two, for whoever I am or how many personalities are around on that particular day.

It can be quite difficult with knowing how many towels to bring though. The last time my chakras were messed with by some charlatan in India, no stirrup pumps were in evidence at all and my theta waves were all over the place.

I look forward to a full program being announced in due course although 35 euros does seem a bit steep . The Six Senses Spa is throwing in some crystals for their 15 minute session at only 25 euros and they provide towels.

Malcolm Akkers said...

I can't really help with other therapists - I have difficulty keeping up with the ones in Paleochora.

Rumours abound as to what exactly will be opening on Clean Monday but I'm sure there'll be something to suit one or other of your personalities - I suggest you look out for song or two about current events sung in a traditional West Indian style -they do wonderful things with goats in the West Indies. (From your reference to India, I also suspect you may have confused your right hemishere with your left hemishere; to get to India out of Paleochora, head towards Libya,turn LEFT and keep on going.)

What you say about the other spa may well be true but are you aware what they're thowing their crystals into?

Fairly.Disturbed said...

Not only do they do wonderful things with goats in the West Indies, but I have vague recollections of marinading one from Brixton market in a bath a long time ago.
Goats of course are a very delicate subject in my little village, it is something that may not be quite de trop in public, but unfortunate couplings sometimes seem to occur in local circles.

I do get my hemispheres, as well as other things, very mixed and hence the need for treatment. It was the plethora of the Paleochora therapists that were confusing me, not the quacks in the luxurous surroundings elsewhere. I sincerely hope they are not disposing of the crystals into buckets of metaxa or raki though, their powers will end up quite addled and confused, as indeed, am I.

Is Chakra Khan involved with the clean monday program, he may be suitable.

Malcolm Akkers said...

Sir (or Madam, as the case may be)

What you do with goats in your circles are you business but down here we keep our circles for threshing corn.

With respect to your confusion of your hemisheres; try painting them different colours, I often find that helps.

As to Chakra Kahn, I suggest you contact his, or her, agent.

Further more, as far as I am aware, none of the psykiks we have here are plethoras; you are surely aware that to be a plethora is strictly illegal in Crete.

Fairly.Disturbed said...

Dear Mr Akkers

I am in fact a madam, I think. Until my circles of confusion have been painted as per your advice, I shall not be quite sure.

I had no idea plethoring was illegal in Crete, I didn't in fact realise that anything was illegal in Crete. Oh, you thresh corn down in Pelochora do you, over in a more easterly direction where the goats move in circles, we have much more interesting plantations, but we do not thresh them, they are treated with much more care.

Still eagerly awaiting clean monday programming.