New course to be offered?

Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level guru and part time olive picker, is believed to be poised to announce that, with effect from 1 May or the commencement of charter flights to the island, whichever is the sooner, hew will be offering courses in his world famous “Ripmoffannna” meditation to overstressed tourists arriving in Paleochora.

“If I had to endure a 50 minute ride in a comfortable air conditioned bus through beautiful scenery to get here I would be so stressed I’d be prepared to spend 50 Euros for 30 minutes of gibberish being spouted at me,” he denied saying last night, “and anyway, everybody knows that worrying about money is the greatest cause of stress these days and all I’m doing is relieving them of their worries by relieving them of their money.”

When pointed out to him that teachers of this technique have to observe at least five precepts, if not eight, so that they can attain purification of sila. The third of the five precepts is abstention from sexual misconduct, whereas the third of the eight precepts is abstention from all kinds of sexual contact. If a teacher does not abstain from sexual contact, his mind will be defiled by the hindrance of sense desire kamacchanda nivarana and that only when the mind is purified from all hindrances can teachers realise mental and physical processes in their true nature, Mentor Lee Hill turned white and quickly left the room.

Gerti Pulls out!

Pole Lancer

Expert 5 rhythm dancer Ms Getti Yakittov today announced that she is pulling out of this weekend’s Five Ring Circus at the ‘Doris Stokes Home for the Terminally Confused But Rich and Gullible’, a break away organisation from the existing Doris Stokes Drop-In Spiritual Realignment Centre and Karaoke Bar (Paleochora Branch).

Speaking after denying she was responsible for the power cut in the village this afternoon, caused, it is believed, by an attempt by a person or persons unknown to remove a large cylindrical wooden object carrying overhead electricity cables, Ms Yakkitov said,

“I just can’t find a Pole for my Tantric Dole Dancing as Therapy and a Path to Spiritual Enlightenment exhibition! All I’ve managed to find so far are 2 Bulgarians who drove off a high speed as I approached them; 4 Albanians; 7 early German tourists and a confused Englishman.”

Ms Yakkitov further stated that no refunds would be made of the 250Euros “donations” that her many fans, Sid and Doris Bonkers of Oldham, or was it Neasden, had made.

This Brothers Got Sole

Mentor Lee Hill's Shoes yesterday.

In an 11th. hour bid to save the planet, Mentor Lee Hill has today announced his radical, EU grant-financed 'shoe-sharing scheme' for Paleochora.

"It's really simple," Said Hill, "I want everyone to find a 'Boot-Buddy', this could be a family member, a loved one or just a work colleague. Then you put all of your shoes and boots in the special depositories scattered around the village keeping only one pair between you. Then, one Boot-Buddy wears them from 9am until 3pm and the other from 3pm until 9pm. "

Hill went on "This will significantly reduce everyone's footprints, thus offsetting global warming or impending ice ages"

Reports that Hill has secured a pitch on the Hania Saturday Clothes Market are hitherto just rumour and hearsay.

Mal Akker - an apology

(The photo above, taken in circumstances which have yet to be explained, is believed to show Mr Akker's aura.)

The originator of the scurrilous rumor concerning the strength of Mal Akker's aura, Ms Demena, has publicly apologised for starting the slanderous tale. Mr Akker has indicated that he is happy to accept her apology and considers discussion on the size of his aura to be finished.

Breakthrough!

After years of painstaking and costly research, funded by the “donations” made to him by his many admirers, Sid and Doris Bonkers of Oldham or was it Neasden, Mentor Lee Hill has announced a breakthrough in the search for an edible multipurpose vegetable.

Speaking earlier this week in then front of Odas Kafenion where he had stopped for his morning Raki Therapy administered by Ms Teake, Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level guru and part time olive picker, announced to a stunned audience that he had successfully bred a vegetable that he was proposing to call a “tomato.”

Pointing out that the existing red thing of the same name is, in fact, a fruit; he stated that henceforth, by purchasing his new vegetable, vegetarians could be sure that they were eating vegetables rather than fruit. The new vegetable, said to be full of pranic energy, is apparently guaranteed to improve the shade of one’s aura, liberate cosmic energy within the Kirilian field of the consumer and taste rather good with a bit of salt, olive oil and bread. He went on to denounce the sale of beefsteak tomatoes, telling a bemused crowd that they were really part fruit, part goat, hybrids and consumption of them would result in a diminished aura, reduced psychic energy field and quite possibly flatulence.

He hinted that then new “tomatoes” would shortly be on sale at the reasonable price of a mere 257 Euros per kilo.

It was pointed out to him that Paleochora is surrounded by greenhouses full of tomatoes but he insisted that they were full of fruit and that he was going to be selling a type of vegetable. He then wandered off to the local vegetarian restaurant for a beef stiffado.

In a later and, allegedly, unconnected incident, Mentor Lee Hill was briefly arrested while rummaging through a ditch in Kondura apparently picking up some sort of bright red ‘fruit’ that had fallen off the back of an overfull pick up truck en route from a tomato greenhouse to a tomato packing station. Speaking on behalf of the seventh level guru and part time olive picker, who was too distressed to comment, Ms Teake said that he had merely been there to ‘tidy up the countryside’ and that he was most certainly not responsible for the newly dug ditch across the road which caused the truck to shed part of its load. She further added that anyone suggesting otherwise would feel the full force of her psykik vengeance and most possibly a brick in a back alley one dark night.

(This article has been produced entirely without the knowledge of, or any assistance from: http://www.tomatoesareevil.com/.
In fact these people are totally wrong, tomatoes are nice cuddly things, and you should not, under any circumstances whatsoever, visit their website.)