Head explosion! Demons to blame?

Dr. Insa Ne's head exploding

Ms Demena yesterday hit out at the Daily Heil*, a widely read English “newspaper” over its promotion of what she called “lunatic ideas” after the “newspaper” reported that Father Jeremy Davies, exorcist for Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’Connor, the leader of Catholics in England and Wales, says that activities such as yoga, massage therapy, reiki or even reading horoscopes could put people at risk from evil spirits. According to the paper, widely known for its support of fascism in the 1930’s**, the unmarried, celibate, priest, (who insists on being called Father although he isn’t supposed to have children,) also argues in his new book that people with promiscuous lifestyles could find themselves afflicted by demons and he says that the occult is closely linked to the scourges of ‘drugs, demonic music and pornography’ which are ‘destroying millions of young people in our time’.

“This is nonsense,” the sykotic psychic raved, “everybody knows that no harm ever came from an overdose of raki and anyway, my over 80’s naked tantric sex and yoghurt sessions on the Sandy Beach every Friday at 2pm have very little to do with drugs, demonic music or pornography. (But if you’ve got some, I might know someone who might be interested.)”

“Anyway, what’s wrong with believing that massaging your feet with expensive oil or dancing naked around an olive tree in an anti clockwise direction while singing ‘OOOM’ after having paid me 356 Euros to tell you how to do it is going to bring you spiritual enlightenment? Mr Davies is just upset that I’m making more money out of it than he is.”

Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level guru and part time olive picker, wasn’t available for comment.

Later that day after it became clear that the priest’s warnings might have contained some measure of truth when “Dr.” Insa Ne’s head appeared to explode. It is believed that she had spent too much time stimulating her chakras.



Dirty Protest!

Paleochora was shaken to its foundations yesterday by an unprecedented event. For the first time in living memory Ms Teake, Ms Demena and ‘Dr’ Insa Ne, shown above, joined together in a common cause without anyone making reference to the infamous “Flying Goat Buttock” affair of 1998.

The reason for the fearsome combinations was a “dirty protest” over the lack of sun umbrellas on the nude bathing end of Paleochora’s famous Sandy Beach.

Speaking for the protesters as they made their naked journey along the promenade from the Pebble Beach to the jetty, through the village and along the sandy beach, Mentor Lee Hill, Seventh Level Guru and part time olive picker, told the startled crowd of on lookers - Sid and Doris Bonkers from Oldham - or was it Neasden, that the protest was intended to illustrate the dangers to the public if the Mayor didn’t immediately install at least 25 large sunshades at the Grameno end of the beach.

“Without these umbrellas these fine ladies will be unable to continue to offer their ever popular ‘Nude over 80’s full frontal tantric sex and yoga classes’ every other afternoon starting at 3pm, with the result that many of the over 80 year old tourists visiting Paleochora will be forever deprived of their one bit of excitement in their otherwise dull and miserable lives,” he said before going on to offer discounted rates for the classes to those approaching 60.

Opinion in the village is divided but most people, on being told that the Mayor’s refusal to put up the umbrellas was likely to cause the cancellation of the nude over 80’s full frontal tantric sex and yoga classes, applauded his action, or inaction.

Meantime, ‘Dr’ Insa Ne has confirmed that the 19th Annual “I’m going to take my sarong off and run naked around an olive tree shouting woo woo because my inner child gave me permission to do so Festival” has indeed been cancelled blaming the lack of petrol caused by the tanker strike - thus enabling her to claim a huge amount of money back on her insurance.

What is going on?

Photo of the 18th Festival

Paleochora was stunned yesterday by the news that the 19th Annual “I want to take my sarong off and dance naked around an olive tree shouting ‘WooWoo’ Festival” is possibly going to have to be cancelled because of a total an utter lack of interest displayed in the event by the incoming hordes of English Tourists (Sid and Doris Bonkers of Oldham or was it Neasden?)

According to reliable sources, local practising psykik and new arrival “Dr.” Insa Ne has been forced to alert the owners of the “Doris Stoke Memorial Home and Kareoke Bar - Paleochora Branch” to the unpalatable facts that owing to the high value of the Euro against the Pound and she is stony broke, there is a possibility that the eagerly awaited event, due to be held, according to the ancient calendar of the Goddess Initforthedosh, on the third new moon of Octember, will now have to be postponed.

Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level guru and part time olive picker, was unavailable for comment being too busy putting his inner child to bed. No comment was made either by Ms Teake, the longest serving psykotic sykik in the village, who had just taken delivery of ther own KDNY branded Aura protection Sun Glasses, a snip at 45 Euros a pair, and was preparing to put them on display by the sandy beach.

In the meantime, Ms Demena, who had invited “Dr” Insa Ne to the village in the first place, has confirmed that she is involved in a new project to offer a new course in “Gibberish meditation.”
“I learned how to speak fluent Gibberish and how to combine this with permitting my innermost bean to flower whilst sitting at the feet of the sainted OMYGOSHO- pronounced Basil - in the Himalayan village Harpoona many years ago. You spend an hour or so chanting Gibberish and then you find you become totally relaxed and your mind becomes a complete blank. For a mere 345 Euros I am willing to pass the secret of my success on to anyone who wishes to follow this mystical path,” said Ms Demena last night.

When it was suggested to her that the same effect, speaking Gibberish followed by a state of total relaxation and a blank mind, is usually to be obtained simply by drinking a small bottle or two of Raki, she terminated the interview.

Further details of Ms Demena’s course are available at:

Thought For The Day...An apology

Thought For The Day ®
With Rev. Elroy Cupboard®

The lawyers and personal doctor of Rev. Elroy Cupboard have today issued an apology to the millions of disciples of The Church of Scientifikological Phrenelogy® about the absence of a Thought For The Day ® in recent, eh, days.

Lawyer Hiemey Fiermie and Dr. Eliott Stoppage issued a joint statement saying "The truth is, since his recent lecture tour and factfinding mission to Columbia and Mexico together with with his highest profile follower, Hollywood Heaththrob Tom Missile, Rev. Cupboard has been incapable of any thinking much at all."

Dr. Stoppage continued; "When he tries to communicate all the poor man can do is talk dribble". When asked if he meant 'drivel' he replied "I know what I mean, Sonny!"

"This is not altogether unusual" He continued " The last time this happened (on his return from a secret missionary visit to US troops in Afghanistan and Northern Pakistan together with nubile blonde heiress socialite follower Athens Travelle-Lodge) he was back to normal in no time at all after a couple of Aura Enemas"

She's here, she's young, she's Insa Ne!

Ms Demena has at last revealed the identity of the mystery helper.

It would appear that the aging Psykotic Psykic has brought in some outside assistance in the shapely form of Ms Insa Ne. (Shown above, third or fourth from the left...or the right.)

Ms Ne, or Doctor Insa Ne as she apparently prefers to be called having obtained her various Doctorates through hours of study and the correct application of her signature on a cheque made out to an American “College”, is a vivacious young lady apparently skilled at many of the more unusual practices of the psykik community.

Commenting on her arrival, Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level guru and part time olive picker, observed that her entrance is likely to improve the standard of manners in the village; “I’m sure all the Greek men will rise up when she walks in the room.”

Though declining to talk to this blog, Dr. Insa Ne is believed to be contemplating offering, at a suitably modest fee, a series of seminars devoted to combining Raki and Yoghurt in daily life, as well as, the by now standard for Paleochora Psykics, Chakra Tune Up and Aura Cleaning sessions.

Whether or not she will be participating in the eagerly awaited “I’m dancing stark naked under the full moon on the Sandy Beach for World Peace and Harmony because my spiritual Guide told me to do so Festival” has yet to be confirmed.

Ms Demena's men (u)

Ms Demena preparing for summer with her new, and as yet unknown, assistant.

Ms Demena yesterday confirmed that her ever popular one person tent on the beach at Azogyres, would this summer be offering her usual range of acupressure, affirmational/attitudinal healing, aromatherapy, chakra balancing, colour therapy, crystal energy balancing, ear candling, influence of past lives/future lives and karmic proclivities on present wellness status, magnet therapy(this modality utilizes natural electrical energy to re-align the body’s electrical system to improve wellness. Any condition can be relieved with magnet use. Often magnets are used to manage allergies, headaches, arthritis, cancer, fibromyalgis, headaches,menstrual disorders, prostate disorders,) mandala, nutritional counseling for energy balancing from chakric or five phase perspectives, personal training, pranic healing, raw foods, reflexology, relaxation, stress reduction, supplements, visualization; but only between 7am and 9am on alternate days of the week.*

“Once the open air kinematagraphick projection facility in the village opens up, that’s me done for the day,” she said. “You don’t expect me to miss my evening experience with Zorbas the Greek just to earn a bob or two do you? Anyway that poor lad needs me to massage his aura and keep his pranic energies flowing through all seven of his five chakras and I can tell you that’s a job and a half on its own!”

*Mal Akker would like to point out that Ms Demena's own patented "magnetic healing" system, consisting as it does of wiring her customers up to a 3 phase 415 volt generator, throwing a bucket of warter on them and switching on the generator, has not yet been approved by the Greek Medical Authorities. However, the technique commonly use by the American Govenment on certain persons held in Guantanamo Bay.

Fraud in the Psykik Community!

The damning evdence - Yakkitov/Passthejug is clearly shown second from the left in the third row.

The psykic community in Paleochora was agog yesterday at the startling revelation that Getti Yakittov, the recently arrived expert 5 rhythm dancer and gold medal winner, was not who she, or he, appeared to be.

We have learned that Enoch Root, Gentleman reporter from “Whose Woo – the paper every true psykik just KNOWS they need to read” yesterday revealed exclusively to his readership that the dancer known through out the length and breath of Paleochora as Gerti Yakkitov, is in fact Boris Passthejug, former Red Army Commando and winner of the gold medal for the shot put in the 1990 Olympics.

All Passthejug would say on being presented with photographic evidence of his past was, “It’s a fair cop Guv, I did it for the cash.”

Mentor Lee Hill, Seventh Level Guru and part time olive picker, expressed horror and alarm at the suggestion that anyone would claim to possess psychotic powers in order to obtain money from gullible tourists.

“I knew there was something funny about her aura as soon as I saw her go into the Gents toilet in Agios,” he said, “anyway that will be 50 Euros for the insightful insight and the aura reading, cash only please.”

Ms Demena declined to comment on the grounds that she was too busy communing with her inner child and preparing for the expected influx of tourists, whilst Ms Teake claimed to have known all along that Yakittov was a fraud because her spirit guide R’aki, had told her so.

Yakittov/Passthejug was last heard of in Souda Bay where he/she has apparently got a job as a deckhand on a passing American nuclear submarine.