Mentor Lee Hill shows off his equipment.

Mentor Lee Hill's Equipment

Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level master of the universe and part time olive picker, yesterday showed off his equipment.

The gleaming construction is to be used by Mentor Lee Hill to provide the latest in Raki Therapy.

Whilst the guru declined to go into details of its application, it is believed that the treatment involves the patient ingesting copious quantities of Raki via a number of less than usual routes*.

“Apart from the missing rubber tube, it’s got everything I need to provide tourists with a genuine life changing experience at a modest sum,” he said. ”It’s going to be a winner, one dose of my treatment and you’ll never be the same. I’m thinking of using the advertising slogan:

‘Use Mentor Lee Hill’s Raki Treatment: You’ll get no better.’ "

Mentor Lee Hill can be contacted in the usual kafenions or via the Doris Stokes Drop-In Spiritual Realignment Centre and Kareoke Bar (Paleochora Branch).





*Mal Akker would like to point out that such practices are illegal in a number of American states and if practised in Saudi Arabia, can lead to the amputation of certain parts of the body.



Mal

Ms Demena safe!

Ms Demena photographed in Kandanos Health Centre.

I’m happy to report that, contrary to the rumours circulating in certain tavernas, Ms Demena was not seriously injured when she suffered from a potentially catastrophic, ongoing aura overload blowback situation last week.

“The situation occurred when I was conducting a rebirthing session with a tourist from Manchester last Thursday morning at about 2am in his hotel room,” she said.

” We had just got to the next stage in the Raki rebirth experience, for which I charge the modest fee of £250 cash per 25 minute session, when I felt the earth move.”

“It’s such a long time since anything like that has that happened to me that I knew straight away that my aura was likely to be in danger, or, as we psykotics say, I was in danger of being ‘up the duff.’ I went straight away to the Kandanos Health Centre where, apart from insisting on using the stomach pump and making me eat a kilo or so of organic hand knitted charcoal, they treated me very well.”

I asked Ms Demena why, as one known through out Paleochora for her spiritual healing skill and renowned abilities with a colonic irrigation tube, she hadn’t applied her skills to herself and had relied instead on the Greek health service.

“Surely darling, everybody knows that psychic healing only works if you hand over lots of money to a healer and then really, really believe that they are going to do you some good. The more money you hand over, the more you have to believe in the sykotic healing otherwise you’re going to feel such a prat. How could I hand over money to myself? I certainly don’t want to feel a prat; I leave that up to my gentlemen clients who can do that anytime.”

Shortly after I spoke to her, Ms Demena wandered off in the direction of the Paleochora Club saying something about her need to get back in touch with the spirits.

Mal Akker

"Terrorist" Plot Uncovered!

Mentor Lee Hill yesterday revealed that a plot to disrupt the workings of the Doris Stokes Drop-In Spiritual Realignment Centre and Karaoke Bar (Paleochora Branch) - the waiting room of which is shown alongside - had been discovered.

He stated that that, following an overheard remark in Agios last Wednesday evening, he discovered that the Tax Police were in the village and were asking traders to prove that they were issuing proper till receipts. Using psykickill means, believed to involve gazing at one or more of his crystal balls, he ascertained that none of the transactions carried out in the centre had been “put through the till” and that the tax Police were likely to take a dim view of this should they call.

“This is sheer terrorism…they are terrorising me and my loyal staff member, Ms Teake.” he said, “I’m terrified they’ll catch me at it.”

“ Things were just starting to look up, we just managed to flog several of our new, improved, and popularly priced, On Line Aura Cleansing packages to a bunch of gullible English tourists; they’d paid cash simply because they had cash and I needed it. Furthermore, my credit card machine is still enroute to me from my Ashram in Assam, or was it an Assam in Akram? Or maybe an Ashram in Akram? Anyway, it's not in Paleochora or Croydon, and the till is still calibrated in Drachmas so I couldn’t give a receipt.”

“Anyway, what are these tax people doing demanding that a guru like myself pay tax…don’t they realise what such demands can do to my psykick stability? I’ll have to put my prices up again if these outrageous demands to pay tax continue to be made.”

Grand Opening

A crowd of at least 7 people were treated to a spectacular event at the grand opening of the Doris Stokes Drop-In Spiritual Realignment Centre and Kareoke Bar (Paleochora Branch).

The impressive facility, which is conveniently located in a lush modern portacabin next to a half-finished and abandoned building down a dirt track was opened by none other than well known Indian mystik, healer, guru, shakti and 80's pop singing phenomenon, Chakra Khan (left).

Tragedy struck, however, when an accidental death occurred during the demonstration by Mr. Khan of the famous indian rope trick. The victim, an elderly man who is a well known coffee addict and can be seen frequenting cafes throughout the town, was indentified by his final words as Zachary Horis Gala.

Police are urging any relatives of Mr. Gala to come forward and make the necessary arrangements soon, as the police station is 'starting to hum a bit'

Police and rescue workers are still searching rooftops in the town for a small boy, last seen wearing a turban and a loin cloth.

Even more Apologies

Glitz was the order of the day yesterday as revellers donned their tiaras and plunging necklines (and the girls their frocks) for cocktails and canapes in the delightful Georgos' Bar to see off Bon Vivant Mr. Michael McTiernan (pronounced McTeirnan) and his fragrant wife, Jennifer. But two luminaries of the town were notably absent.

Dr. Mal Akkers and Mentor Lee Hill wish to profusely apologise for not showing up at the event and disappointing all of their disciples. This was largely due to the fact that they were not invited.

Dr. Akkers said: " We were most surprised. Here is a man who outwardly looks like he could have spent a lot of money with us...dingly-dangly earing, beard, strange ill-fitting clothes....and yet underneath beats the heart of a cynic!"

Lee Hill added: "Given his enthusiasm for deep sea diving, we were considering asking him to be present as safety expert at our forthcoming Re-Birthing Workshop."

Mr. McTiernan's press officer, Mr. Max Coveridge of Chelsea said this morning: " My client is unable to comment as he is bed-ridden this morning. He has a badly bruised Aura following a heavy bout of Reiki therapy last night" When asked if he meant Raki Therapy, Mr. Coveridge said; "I know what I mean, sunshine!"

Mr. Coveridge went on to say that it was "Unfair" for the Gurus to pick on his client in this way, "especially as he has suffered a severe mobility problem for most of his life due to a heavy leaning to the left"

Apologies! Again

Dr. Mal Akkers and Mentor Lee Hill would like to apologise for not posting regularly this week.

They have just returned from a spiritual retreat in the Sub-Continent.

Dr. Akkers said; "We have been to an Ashram in Assam run by a bloke called Akram. Or was it an Assam in Akram run by a bloke called Ashram? Or maybe an Ashram in Akram run by a bloke called Assam..."

The holiday was provided by the firm Simply India. Motto; Simply Simple Holidays By Simple People For Simple People.

Mentor Lee Hill wishes to add that "Although my memory of the Tantric Buttock Massage workshop is hazy, I was emphatically never in Akram"

More gossip

Mentor Lee Hill has confirmed that he will be shortly circulating a petition to limit the noises made by the Paleochora Road Train.

"It goes "whoo-whoo" at the turns in the roads which makes people think that they can get their woo woo from the train rather than getting it from a trained woo woo practicioner. We have all spent lots of money training in obscure arts, under obscure gurus who only those who have trained with have ever heard of; in places no one in their right mind would ever visit - like Bafshot. It's only fair that we woo woo practicioners get the opportunity to recover some, if not all, of our costs and make a bloody good living - I mean receive enough in donations to keep our body and multiple spirits intact."

Mal Akker

Opening postponed

The long awaited opening of the Doris Stokes Drop In Spiritual Realignment Centre and Kareoke Bar has been postponed due to unforseen circumstances.
When aske why with so many woowoo experts in Paleochora, this hadn't been forseen, Mentor Lee Hill, Seventh Level Master and part time olive picker, stated:

"I knew you were going to ask that. I blame the hot wearther for the lack of accurate predictions. Only this morning I looked in my crystal spheres hoping for a view of the future, or at least of the winner of the 4.30 at Sandown on Saturday, and all I saw was a load of balls."

MsTeake's prediction

Ms Teake ( pronounced Missteek not misstake) yesterday rejected claims that the only reason she has not yet applied to be tested by the James Randi Educational Trust for any measurable paranormal ability, and hence win 1 million dollars, was that she had no such powers and was, in fact, a complete fraud.
"That's a monstrous lie,"she said,"I predict that I will be happy to take their tests and prove my skills as soon as they send me a first class return ticket from Chania to New York on the next available Concorde flight, plus $435,00 spending money."
When it was pointed out that there were no flights from Chania to New York and that the last Concorde flight was over 5 years ago, she said that this was typical behaviour by non believers; putting obstacles in the way of her (duty free) spirits.
MsTeake then left Paleochora heading in the direction of Voutas saying sonmething about having a fee paying appointment to counsel a coupole who were thinking of giving their inner child permission to go wind surfing.

Ms Demena apologises

A shamed faced Ms Demena

Ms Demena today apologised to the carload of tourists she inadvertently directed to the Thai Cheese Symposium at Sougia, mistaking it for the Tai Chi Symposium currently being held in the Alpha Hotel Azogires.

"It's an easy mistake for anyone to make,"she said earlier today,"but in the end they enjoyed themselves in Sougia and didn't seem to notice the difference in the material on offer in the two symposia."

When it was pointed out to her that one is a load of smelly substances and the other a type of cheese, she shrugged her shoulders, adjusted her burka and wandered off in the direction of Anidri muttering something about having to re tune her sarong before the full moon.

One of the tourists, Ms Doris Bonkers, is threatening to complain to the Greek Tourist Board that Paleochora is over run with people unable to tell there chi's from their cheese.

"I didn't spend £8oo to spend a week looking at cheese when I could be up in Azogires spending a week looking at my navel." she is reported to have said.

Full Moon Event

Ms Taeke and Ms Demena have announced a special 2 day oddyssey (sic) to Lissos to co-incide with the next full moon.

"We intend to take as many fee-paying punters as possible on an amazing spiritual journey which will plumb the depths of their psychosis." Said Ms. Teake.

Ms. Demena added; "We will dance around the temple with our sarongs until midnight when we will drum into existence the sprits of all of the animal kingdom."

Jerry Plonka and his son, Rainbow (pictured), last year's only participants said "We can't wait for this years event. 500 euros well spent!"

The mayors of Paleochora and Sougia have welcomed the event but asked the organisers to tidy up after themselves. A Health & Safety official said yesterday " We are especially concerned about lions, tigers and other large carnivores and would ask the organisers to make sure they drum them back after they have finished"

Participants should bring a sarong, a drum, a woodwind or reed instrument of their choice (no bassoons this year, please!) and sandwiches (fillings of their choice).

On Line Aura Tune Up

( Computer of the type predicted to be required for an Aura Tune Up)

According to the predictions of local Physick Ms Teake, the Divine Master, Adept of the Ninth Circle and part time olive picker, Mentor Lee Hill, will shortly announce the introduction of a new on line Aura Tune Up service.

Speaking to me earlier this morning, MsTeake predicted that Mentor will astonish the world and Paleochora with the new service.

"Peering into my crystal ball, I can see that this service will offer remote tuning and 50,00Km service for tired and run down auras; that it will be a great success and that all one will need is a Gold Credit card and an Internet connection. I predict that you will be able to get your aura recoloured, reshaped and restored in under two hours for under £200," she said before wandering off in the vague direction of Anidri muttering something about the urge to dance in a crop circle wearing only her sarong.

Mentor Lee Hill, when asked about the predicted service, is believed to have replied on the lines of, "It sounds like a total load of old bollocks to me but hey, if it's a service that people are prepared to pay for, I'm prepared to sell it. I can confidentially predict a great future for this new service and my bank account."

Malcolm

Crystal Crisis!

EU officials are pleased that a solution has been found to the growing problem of the disposal of old Crystals. Waste management companies complain frequently that they have to deal with 'mountains' of old New Age Crystals which have ceased to work and are just thrown away in the normal household garbage.

The solution came from The Matotoko Industrial Plastics Co. (Hong Kong) Ltd. who, it turns out, manufacture 99.9% of the world's New Age Crystals.

Chief Executive, Mr. Fkin Fat Dump (left), said yesterday "Focus gloups show that most of our end-rine customers plefer to buy lecycled ploducts, so with EU funding we are setting up depositolies for you to take all of your old clystals. these we will lecycle into new clystals at our huge industlial factorly (Right)".

The first 36 depositories are expected to be in Paleochora.

Unfortunately Mr. Dump went on to say "As lecycled ploducts are tlendy these days, the new clystals will have a higher letail plice than before"

Hangover Healing Drop in Centre

Ms. Demena intends to 'help and inwardly heal' sufferers of hangovers each morning at the crack of 2pm in a popular bar on the main street of Paleochora.

'I will be getting my crystals out and healing everybody with wonderful Raki Therapy' She said.

When asked if she meant Reiki Therapy, she replied 'I know what I mean, Darling!'

Ley Lines - Exciting News!

Mentor Lee Hill has demontrated that Paleochora lies on the same ley line as Glastonbury and Area 51 in America - and that's official!!!

By Drawing the Glastonbury ley lines and then folding a standard Collins world map in the manner prescribed below, you can see it for yourself!
This also has the spooky but interesting side effect of becoming a pretty flapping birdie! More proof if proof is needed!

Dihydrogen Monoxide - warning!

Ms Demena has asked me to point out that one of her spirits was last night overcome by Dihydrogen Monoxide poisioning. She recommends that all spirits be kept away from this stuff and that it's dangers be properly considered before it is consumed.

Further details can be found at:

http://www.dhmo.org/facts.html

Malcolm Akker

Gossip Column

A look around the social scene of Paleochora's WooWoo community:

Ms Demena was spotted in a well known restaurant last night, smoking 'herbal' cigarettes and conversing with the spirits. She had ordered a plate of organic hand-knitted string beans for herself and a plate of fishfingers & ketchup on the side for her inner child.

Meditation for a piece of the world

Sleeping/Meditation bag

http://www.totallyabsurd.com/meditationbag.htm

With Paleochora WooWoo levels approaching an all time high, I am glad to announce that at 14.14 on the 14th June 2002 we will be holding a "Meditation for the piece of the world" lunch and barbecue on the sandy beach just opposite Gavdos (weather and cyclikill guides permitting.)

Participants in this free endeavour will be required to provide their own food, drink and cooking facilities but may, if they wish make a small donation to a good cause (cash only, no cheques or credit cards.)

Those attending will hold hands in a ring and meditate long and hard on their particular piece of the world. To assist, you might wish to visualise your piece of the world as being in a quiet, tranquil place,being set into, rather than upon, the planet, and being rectangular approx. 2 metres long, 2 metres deep and 1.2 metres wide.

It is hoped that Ms Demena or Ms Taeke will be present to massage auras and egos - subject to them having recovered sufficiently from their recent spiritual joust.

On the matter of their recent falling out, a subject discussed here recently, both have asked me to point out that their psycotic battle had nothing whatsoever to do with the earthquake in Japan and to confirm that, with the expected influx of Greek tourists, they have resolved to patch up their quarrel and co-operate in their solemn and self appointed duty of relieving more people of the wearisome and soul destroying burden of "money."

Malcolm

New Contest! Get your auras working!

Ms Demena with her clothes off

The European Parliament in Brussles yesterday confirmed the long awaited decision to hold a new sykickill competition.

This competition will be open to all those who, with or without the assistance of their spirit guides, are not only fortunate in being able to view and determine the state of other's auras and visualise these as the music of the spheres, but are also able to sing this music.

It is intended that the Aura Vision Song Contest will take place annually in Paleochora.

Essence Overload?

Our Latest Offering

Following the recent EU rulling permitting the construction of a Spititual Essence Storage Facility just outside Paleochora, concern has been expressed by some about the effect of such a facility on the already extraordinary levels of WooWoo within the town. In particular there are fears, we hope unfounded, that this concentration of Spiritual Essence may lead to "Aura Flare" and cause potentially serious probnlems to those viewing auras.

Asked about this problem, Ms Demena, a well known and highly respected psychotical guru and chaneller, said,

"Give me 50 Euros Darling, and I'll get one of my spirits guides on to it straight away."

While we are awaiting the response from the spirit plane, we are glad to announce that this Blog will shortly be in a position to offer, for only 350 Euros a pair, the finest hand crafted, machine tooled, Chineese made, Aura Vision Protection Devices.

Yes you can be the proud owner of these high quality goods as shown above. You can now protect your eyes, both inner and outer, and still look good on the beach.

Aura Protection - You Know It Makes Cents.

Book of the Week

This weeks accolade goes to

'Feng Shui for Scuba Divers' by Reg Yulater.

A reader raved; "Absolutey brilliant! Before I read this book my life whilst scuba diving was a complete mess for me - I mean you are literally surrounded by water, just where do you start in organising it to provide a stress free and productive dive. This book has all the answers."

Published by Per Astra Ad Parva Books. Available from all reputable woo woo websites, 86 Euros

Get out, Aura else!

It seems that a woo woo war is about to develop in Paleochora! 'Sykik channeler'(sic) Gina Lotalollipop (left) - whose spirit name is Ms. Taeke - has blasted newly arrived Ms. Demena (see previous post) as a phoney!


Ms. Taeke said "This town is not big enough for 2 Aura reading specialists! I have been specialising in this field for 932 years (when you include all of my past lives) and I will not sit by and watch as some gin-sodden upstart tries to queer my pitch!". She went on; "Ms.Demena should birqa off!"

A compromise was later reached when it was suggested that they have an aura reading stand-off on the sandy beach. They will attempt to sympathetically council several fee-paying volunteers about their aura difficulties. Winner takes all!

Workshop announcement

Mentor Lee Hill will be running a new workshop entitled 'Tantric exploitation (surely 'exploration' - Ed) and De-Tox Fasting Weekend'

On this weekend you will learn the lost art of Tantric Buttock Massage whilst experiencing the detoxifying ecstacy of a total fast for 4 days.

Venue: Fidel Castro International Resort, Miami
Cost: 1000 US Dollars - (FULL BOARD)

Advice to our reader.

With the woo woo level in Paleochora rising by the minute with the influx of healers from many parts of the world, some of whom think Paleochora is directly en route to Nirvana, it's time to offer our "free" spiritual advice corner.

This advice is brought to you "free" by myself, Mal Akkers, exactly as it was given to me by one of my many spirit guides -Biggus Discus - a Roman centurion and all around good guy in a previous life.

Advice Corner.

1. Never eat the yellow snow.

2. Never smile at the crocodile.

3. Never get involved in a bare footed arse kicking competition if your opponent is a porcupine.

4. Every spiritual journey starts with just one little step....and it's usually the step of paying money to someone.


Malcolm

Ms Demena to visit Paleochora!

The town was last night abuzz with the surprise news that, in an effort to raise the level of WooWoo in Paleochora, we are to be visited by that renowned clairvoyant and psychotic spiritual person, Betsy Newson.

Ms Demena, to use Betsy's professional name, shown here in her fetching new summer outfit, specialises in psykicial aura maintenance and therapy and plans to spend her time here tending the auras of those who have sucumbed to the pleasures of the world, and Kandanos.

"I get help from the Spirits, Darling" she told me.

"Strangely enough all my spirit guides, such as Whiskey and Metaxas only seem to work late in the evening; but they work every time and after a session with these two, I soon start seeing things."

Ms Demena has yet to determine the rates she will be charging the lucky people of Paleochora to have their auras tended but she has told me that the prices will be "popular" and within reach of all those with a credit card limit of over £5000.

In the beginning was woo woo.....

Noun

woo woo

(slang) Person readily accepting supernatural or emotion-based beliefs and explanations.
That reporter is a bit of a woo woo.

(slang)Those beliefs.
He is really into all that woo woo.

An alcoholic cocktail consisting of peach schnapps, vodka and cranberry juice.

Adjective

Supernatural, unrealistic.
He made a living out of woo woo beliefs.

Retrieved from "http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/woo_woo"