After years of painstaking and costly research, funded by the “donations” made to him by his many admirers, Sid and Doris Bonkers of Oldham or was it Neasden, Mentor Lee Hill has announced a breakthrough in the search for an edible multipurpose vegetable.

Speaking earlier this week in then front of Odas Kafenion where he had stopped for his morning Raki Therapy administered by Ms Teake, Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level guru and part time olive picker, announced to a stunned audience that he had successfully bred a vegetable that he was proposing to call a “tomato.”

Pointing out that the existing red thing of the same name is, in fact, a fruit; he stated that henceforth, by purchasing his new vegetable, vegetarians could be sure that they were eating vegetables rather than fruit. The new vegetable, said to be full of pranic energy, is apparently guaranteed to improve the shade of one’s aura, liberate cosmic energy within the Kirilian field of the consumer and taste rather good with a bit of salt, olive oil and bread. He went on to denounce the sale of beefsteak tomatoes, telling a bemused crowd that they were really part fruit, part goat, hybrids and consumption of them would result in a diminished aura, reduced psychic energy field and quite possibly flatulence.

He hinted that then new “tomatoes” would shortly be on sale at the reasonable price of a mere 257 Euros per kilo.

It was pointed out to him that Paleochora is surrounded by greenhouses full of tomatoes but he insisted that they were full of fruit and that he was going to be selling a type of vegetable. He then wandered off to the local vegetarian restaurant for a beef stiffado.

In a later and, allegedly, unconnected incident, Mentor Lee Hill was briefly arrested while rummaging through a ditch in Kondura apparently picking up some sort of bright red ‘fruit’ that had fallen off the back of an overfull pick up truck en route from a tomato greenhouse to a tomato packing station. Speaking on behalf of the seventh level guru and part time olive picker, who was too distressed to comment, Ms Teake said that he had merely been there to ‘tidy up the countryside’ and that he was most certainly not responsible for the newly dug ditch across the road which caused the truck to shed part of its load. She further added that anyone suggesting otherwise would feel the full force of her psykik vengeance and most possibly a brick in a back alley one dark night.

(This article has been produced entirely without the knowledge of, or any assistance from:
In fact these people are totally wrong, tomatoes are nice cuddly things, and you should not, under any circumstances whatsoever, visit their website.)


Anonymous said...

G'day cousin Mal, Mal here from Woop Woop, Australia, once I've packed Matilda, we're on our way.

BrightOrangeGenitals said...

If you put a tomato and potato side by side, they don't appear to have much in common. But the plants that produce them actually look very much alike and have such similar genetic backgrounds that they should be grouped in the same plant genus.

By comparing markers for certain genes, he says, the scientists were able to match those genes among the various species--allowing them to establish how closely related potatoes and tomatoes are. They also based their finding on morphological traits such as the flowers and the form of the overall plant.

Oops, I'm sorry I'm on the wrong bit, I wanted to discuss your aura and the colour of your knickers but I've been knocked over in the rush to get there by Miss Disturbed who's come over all cherry red and should be avoided at all costs and now I don't know my tomatoes from my potatoes or my oranges come to that.