Snow joke

Alarm and despondency broke out in Paleochora on Monday when the ‘First International Naturist Beach Volleyball and Boules Competition’ had to be cancelled, allegedly because of inclement weather.

Commenting on the rumour that the real reason for cancellation was the lack of participants prepared to pay the 55 Euro entrance fee, Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level guru and part time olive picker, remarked that he felt that this “…..was typical of the sort of remark, remarked by people always trying to put down those involved in the remarkable attempts to raise the level of psychic awareness in Paleochora and the surrounding area to a remarkable height.”

Speculation had been running high amongst those frequenting the kafenions still open in the village that the competition would end in a bloodbath if the lately returned Ms Demena and the ever fragrant Ms Teake took to the beach on opposite sides, or at least on opposite teams. The betting had opened heavily in favour of Ms Teake but over the last few days more and more money had been placed on Ms Demena to win. Such was the pattern of the last minute betting that it had been suggested in some quarters that the whole thing was a scam on the lines of the recent ‘Guess the Colour of Ms Teak’s Aura’ competition, sponsored and, coincidentally, won by Mentor Lee Hill.

It had been rumoured that one or other of the teams would be using their psychotic abilities to win the match and to demonstrate once and for all that they did in act possess such abilities and that the alleged possession of such abilities was not just a scheme to make money from gullible ex pats.

Ms Demeana was said to be distraught at the cancellation of the match and to have proposed that a collection be taken in the town to provide assistance for a visiting brass monkey of her acquaintance who had apparently lost a number of items very precious to him in the recent cold snap.

Clean Monday - New service on offer?

Bucket of Metaxa and stirrup pump - are these related to the new treatment?

Confusing image of unrelated letters and colours - are these involved as well?

Ms Teake*, the Paleochora based psychik who denies ever having any relationship, platonic or otherwise, with Ms Demena the other Paleochora based psychotic, is expected to announce shortly her plans for a special “Clean Monday” service on offer to those in the area who feel the need to prepare physically, psyckiclly and spiritually for the long Lenten fast ahead of them.

Though not yet willing to share the details of the new treatment on offer because of the alleged propensity for “…other shameless charlatans in Paleochora and the surrounding area to steal all my best ideas and flog them off as their own in a tawdry effort to rip money off from gullible people who believe the sort of nonsense they peddle…” Ms Teake did hint that it would be a unique combination of singing bowl therapy and colonic irrigation.

Speaking late last night, although declining to say to what exact use the stirrup pump would be put, she would go as far as to say that the singing bowl portion of the treatment worked because:

“The bowl holds all master conductor frequencies for sonic reconnective patterning, molecularly energizing the body and enriching life experiences –a conscious sonic walk in Light - whilst the natural harmoniser within it that creates a mother of pearl essence and opalescent finish, and carries an energy of Venus, the goddess of love. Microscopic bubbles added to the quartz produce a porous surface and pastel elegance with a nurturing vibration of water elementals. The beautiful and spherical completeness of pearls represents an ever-present and fullness of Spirit. Helpful in working through emotional issues and giving birth to mature Divine Mother/Gaia energies in a sound stream of comfort… and besides, after the application of the other part of the treatment (believed to involve the use of the stirrup pump) all the waste has to be collected in something.”

When it was pointed out to her that the treatment she was proposing to offer had distinct similarities to that unsuccessfully marketed in August last year by Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level guru and part time olive picker, she pointed out that Mentor Lee Hill’s system used Raki whilst hers would use 1 star Metaxa, 2 kilos of herbal tea per person and a pretty bowl, and that no goats were involved.

The cost of the proposed therapy is believed to be in the order of 35 Euros per session, and potential customers are advised to bring their own towels.



* Pronounced Ms Teak, not Ms Take

Tragedy Strikes

Ms Demena has accident with candle

It has been reported the tragedy struck Ms Demena, the recently returned psykotic physic*, during a power cut in Paleochora yesterday evening.

When the lights failed during a thunderstorm, Ms Demena, who had, that very morning, been out at hard at work counselling and providing her traditional Raki therapy to a passing ex-pat, grabbed a handful of candles to light her room.

Unfortunately it would appear that in her haste to get illuminated, she grabbed and used the last of her supply of Hopi Ear candles.

“I’m distraught!” she whaled**, “Petrakis have run out and there appears to be no more Hopi Ear candles in the whole of Crete!”

Asked why there appeared to be such a shortage of such spiritually necessary items, she blamed the continued and increasing opposition of the Hopi people to having their ears cut off to make candles.

“It’s not as if anyone needs BOTH ears,” Ms Demena stated, ”most people can get by happily with one or even none. These people have no idea what they’re doing to my balance; my bank manager gets so upset darling!”

Asked what happens next to Ms Demena and those gentlemen who have booked with her to receive her “Hot Wax Speciality, Poor and Aura Cleansing, Spiritual Revival Treatment –a snip at 50 Euros – discretion guaranteed”, her manager, part time seventh level guru and olive picker Mentor Lee Hill, declined.

However later he was heard to mutter something to the effect that he didn’t see why she couldn’t use an ordinary candle like every other pyskik he knows and proceeded to tell an off colour story about some nuns.




*or is it psyclical psychotic?

**Ms Demena is apparently taking part in the current Japanese “scientific” cull of whales.

She's back!

(Photograph for illustrative purposes only - posed by a model - I'm still trying to locate a photo of MsDemena. Mal Akker)

She’s back!

The kafenion owners of Paleochora were breathing a sigh of relief last Friday when it became apparent that Ms Demena had returned from her self induced exile, allegedly having been seeking further wisdom and enlightenment in Outer Mongolia (or Clacton - depending on which story one believes.)

Vehemently denying that she’d been deported from Crete after having been arrested for being drunk and incapable whilst in charge of a goat, Ms Demena told local part time olive picker and seventh level guru Mentor Lee Hill, that she’d been off on a spiritual journey to recharge her psykotic batteries.

“Just think of me as a psyical Energiser Bunny darling,” she is quoted as saying,
“If there's doe involved I'm your woman, I’m happy to anything for a buck.”

Ms Demeana has told a number of people that she returned to the island following ‘demands from my people’, but failed to specify whether these demands were for her to come back to Crete or to get out of Outer Mongolia – or even Clacton.

Suggestions that she would be opening a branch of the ‘Doris Stokes Home for the Terminally Confused But Rich and Gullible’, a break away organisation* from the existing Doris Stokes Drop-In Spiritual Realignment Centre and Karaoke Bar (Paleochora Branch), have yet to be confirmed.



*The two organisations allegedly split over who had the right to do what and with which and to whom when it came to the extraction of spiritually lead monetary contributions made by the attendees at the centre. (Alternatively it was a falling out over who paid for the last round in Agios which came to 78 Euros; Ms Demena being adamant that she hadn’t ordered the triple “Crooked Orgasm Between the Sheets Daiquiri Screwdriver with an extra shot of tequila ” and so she wasn’t going to pay for it.)

Mentor Lee Hill shows off his equipment.

Mentor Lee Hill's Equipment

Mentor Lee Hill, seventh level master of the universe and part time olive picker, yesterday showed off his equipment.

The gleaming construction is to be used by Mentor Lee Hill to provide the latest in Raki Therapy.

Whilst the guru declined to go into details of its application, it is believed that the treatment involves the patient ingesting copious quantities of Raki via a number of less than usual routes*.

“Apart from the missing rubber tube, it’s got everything I need to provide tourists with a genuine life changing experience at a modest sum,” he said. ”It’s going to be a winner, one dose of my treatment and you’ll never be the same. I’m thinking of using the advertising slogan:

‘Use Mentor Lee Hill’s Raki Treatment: You’ll get no better.’ "

Mentor Lee Hill can be contacted in the usual kafenions or via the Doris Stokes Drop-In Spiritual Realignment Centre and Kareoke Bar (Paleochora Branch).





*Mal Akker would like to point out that such practices are illegal in a number of American states and if practised in Saudi Arabia, can lead to the amputation of certain parts of the body.



Mal

Ms Demena safe!

Ms Demena photographed in Kandanos Health Centre.

I’m happy to report that, contrary to the rumours circulating in certain tavernas, Ms Demena was not seriously injured when she suffered from a potentially catastrophic, ongoing aura overload blowback situation last week.

“The situation occurred when I was conducting a rebirthing session with a tourist from Manchester last Thursday morning at about 2am in his hotel room,” she said.

” We had just got to the next stage in the Raki rebirth experience, for which I charge the modest fee of £250 cash per 25 minute session, when I felt the earth move.”

“It’s such a long time since anything like that has that happened to me that I knew straight away that my aura was likely to be in danger, or, as we psykotics say, I was in danger of being ‘up the duff.’ I went straight away to the Kandanos Health Centre where, apart from insisting on using the stomach pump and making me eat a kilo or so of organic hand knitted charcoal, they treated me very well.”

I asked Ms Demena why, as one known through out Paleochora for her spiritual healing skill and renowned abilities with a colonic irrigation tube, she hadn’t applied her skills to herself and had relied instead on the Greek health service.

“Surely darling, everybody knows that psychic healing only works if you hand over lots of money to a healer and then really, really believe that they are going to do you some good. The more money you hand over, the more you have to believe in the sykotic healing otherwise you’re going to feel such a prat. How could I hand over money to myself? I certainly don’t want to feel a prat; I leave that up to my gentlemen clients who can do that anytime.”

Shortly after I spoke to her, Ms Demena wandered off in the direction of the Paleochora Club saying something about her need to get back in touch with the spirits.

Mal Akker

"Terrorist" Plot Uncovered!

Mentor Lee Hill yesterday revealed that a plot to disrupt the workings of the Doris Stokes Drop-In Spiritual Realignment Centre and Karaoke Bar (Paleochora Branch) - the waiting room of which is shown alongside - had been discovered.

He stated that that, following an overheard remark in Agios last Wednesday evening, he discovered that the Tax Police were in the village and were asking traders to prove that they were issuing proper till receipts. Using psykickill means, believed to involve gazing at one or more of his crystal balls, he ascertained that none of the transactions carried out in the centre had been “put through the till” and that the tax Police were likely to take a dim view of this should they call.

“This is sheer terrorism…they are terrorising me and my loyal staff member, Ms Teake.” he said, “I’m terrified they’ll catch me at it.”

“ Things were just starting to look up, we just managed to flog several of our new, improved, and popularly priced, On Line Aura Cleansing packages to a bunch of gullible English tourists; they’d paid cash simply because they had cash and I needed it. Furthermore, my credit card machine is still enroute to me from my Ashram in Assam, or was it an Assam in Akram? Or maybe an Ashram in Akram? Anyway, it's not in Paleochora or Croydon, and the till is still calibrated in Drachmas so I couldn’t give a receipt.”

“Anyway, what are these tax people doing demanding that a guru like myself pay tax…don’t they realise what such demands can do to my psykick stability? I’ll have to put my prices up again if these outrageous demands to pay tax continue to be made.”