"Terrorist" Plot Uncovered!

Mentor Lee Hill yesterday revealed that a plot to disrupt the workings of the Doris Stokes Drop-In Spiritual Realignment Centre and Karaoke Bar (Paleochora Branch) - the waiting room of which is shown alongside - had been discovered.

He stated that that, following an overheard remark in Agios last Wednesday evening, he discovered that the Tax Police were in the village and were asking traders to prove that they were issuing proper till receipts. Using psykickill means, believed to involve gazing at one or more of his crystal balls, he ascertained that none of the transactions carried out in the centre had been “put through the till” and that the tax Police were likely to take a dim view of this should they call.

“This is sheer terrorism…they are terrorising me and my loyal staff member, Ms Teake.” he said, “I’m terrified they’ll catch me at it.”

“ Things were just starting to look up, we just managed to flog several of our new, improved, and popularly priced, On Line Aura Cleansing packages to a bunch of gullible English tourists; they’d paid cash simply because they had cash and I needed it. Furthermore, my credit card machine is still enroute to me from my Ashram in Assam, or was it an Assam in Akram? Or maybe an Ashram in Akram? Anyway, it's not in Paleochora or Croydon, and the till is still calibrated in Drachmas so I couldn’t give a receipt.”

“Anyway, what are these tax people doing demanding that a guru like myself pay tax…don’t they realise what such demands can do to my psykick stability? I’ll have to put my prices up again if these outrageous demands to pay tax continue to be made.”

Grand Opening

A crowd of at least 7 people were treated to a spectacular event at the grand opening of the Doris Stokes Drop-In Spiritual Realignment Centre and Kareoke Bar (Paleochora Branch).

The impressive facility, which is conveniently located in a lush modern portacabin next to a half-finished and abandoned building down a dirt track was opened by none other than well known Indian mystik, healer, guru, shakti and 80's pop singing phenomenon, Chakra Khan (left).

Tragedy struck, however, when an accidental death occurred during the demonstration by Mr. Khan of the famous indian rope trick. The victim, an elderly man who is a well known coffee addict and can be seen frequenting cafes throughout the town, was indentified by his final words as Zachary Horis Gala.

Police are urging any relatives of Mr. Gala to come forward and make the necessary arrangements soon, as the police station is 'starting to hum a bit'

Police and rescue workers are still searching rooftops in the town for a small boy, last seen wearing a turban and a loin cloth.

Even more Apologies

Glitz was the order of the day yesterday as revellers donned their tiaras and plunging necklines (and the girls their frocks) for cocktails and canapes in the delightful Georgos' Bar to see off Bon Vivant Mr. Michael McTiernan (pronounced McTeirnan) and his fragrant wife, Jennifer. But two luminaries of the town were notably absent.

Dr. Mal Akkers and Mentor Lee Hill wish to profusely apologise for not showing up at the event and disappointing all of their disciples. This was largely due to the fact that they were not invited.

Dr. Akkers said: " We were most surprised. Here is a man who outwardly looks like he could have spent a lot of money with us...dingly-dangly earing, beard, strange ill-fitting clothes....and yet underneath beats the heart of a cynic!"

Lee Hill added: "Given his enthusiasm for deep sea diving, we were considering asking him to be present as safety expert at our forthcoming Re-Birthing Workshop."

Mr. McTiernan's press officer, Mr. Max Coveridge of Chelsea said this morning: " My client is unable to comment as he is bed-ridden this morning. He has a badly bruised Aura following a heavy bout of Reiki therapy last night" When asked if he meant Raki Therapy, Mr. Coveridge said; "I know what I mean, sunshine!"

Mr. Coveridge went on to say that it was "Unfair" for the Gurus to pick on his client in this way, "especially as he has suffered a severe mobility problem for most of his life due to a heavy leaning to the left"

Apologies! Again

Dr. Mal Akkers and Mentor Lee Hill would like to apologise for not posting regularly this week.

They have just returned from a spiritual retreat in the Sub-Continent.

Dr. Akkers said; "We have been to an Ashram in Assam run by a bloke called Akram. Or was it an Assam in Akram run by a bloke called Ashram? Or maybe an Ashram in Akram run by a bloke called Assam..."

The holiday was provided by the firm Simply India. Motto; Simply Simple Holidays By Simple People For Simple People.

Mentor Lee Hill wishes to add that "Although my memory of the Tantric Buttock Massage workshop is hazy, I was emphatically never in Akram"

More gossip

Mentor Lee Hill has confirmed that he will be shortly circulating a petition to limit the noises made by the Paleochora Road Train.

"It goes "whoo-whoo" at the turns in the roads which makes people think that they can get their woo woo from the train rather than getting it from a trained woo woo practicioner. We have all spent lots of money training in obscure arts, under obscure gurus who only those who have trained with have ever heard of; in places no one in their right mind would ever visit - like Bafshot. It's only fair that we woo woo practicioners get the opportunity to recover some, if not all, of our costs and make a bloody good living - I mean receive enough in donations to keep our body and multiple spirits intact."

Mal Akker

Opening postponed

The long awaited opening of the Doris Stokes Drop In Spiritual Realignment Centre and Kareoke Bar has been postponed due to unforseen circumstances.
When aske why with so many woowoo experts in Paleochora, this hadn't been forseen, Mentor Lee Hill, Seventh Level Master and part time olive picker, stated:

"I knew you were going to ask that. I blame the hot wearther for the lack of accurate predictions. Only this morning I looked in my crystal spheres hoping for a view of the future, or at least of the winner of the 4.30 at Sandown on Saturday, and all I saw was a load of balls."

MsTeake's prediction

Ms Teake ( pronounced Missteek not misstake) yesterday rejected claims that the only reason she has not yet applied to be tested by the James Randi Educational Trust for any measurable paranormal ability, and hence win 1 million dollars, was that she had no such powers and was, in fact, a complete fraud.
"That's a monstrous lie,"she said,"I predict that I will be happy to take their tests and prove my skills as soon as they send me a first class return ticket from Chania to New York on the next available Concorde flight, plus $435,00 spending money."
When it was pointed out that there were no flights from Chania to New York and that the last Concorde flight was over 5 years ago, she said that this was typical behaviour by non believers; putting obstacles in the way of her (duty free) spirits.
MsTeake then left Paleochora heading in the direction of Voutas saying sonmething about having a fee paying appointment to counsel a coupole who were thinking of giving their inner child permission to go wind surfing.